My life in the making

Email i sent to my worker's supervising about my distress

2011-10-10T05:36:00.001-04:00

I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is notworth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of moneyfor my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which wasthe one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburggeneral hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because afterarguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From myunderstanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much moreexpensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that issaying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does notinclude; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support paymentsto ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what theyclaimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and Iam saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on aworthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wastedeffort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people whomust work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing whowill never be productive in society and who these resources should not bewasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wastedon something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a lowlife such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deservingindividuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday willbe worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wastingtime services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously asover the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to myfamilies and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supportedme through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them andexpress my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the newneighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and notwalked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me tocontinue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not toshe still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped memany times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope.We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing communityactivities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that hasbeen difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivatedespecially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I haveno choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed shecould do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in mylife has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless andthough I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hourand I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me seemore than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always doI feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seemto me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment sthat I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walkingin the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I cansay where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges formy own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructiverelationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me toomuch harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skillsI have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what isgoing on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from thingsbefore it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I hadbeen unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learnedto control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everythingincluding everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences formy own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and nowallowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him homehe will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and takehim from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospitalfor mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell thejudge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them andthat will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issueshave now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day noticeto move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take mylife somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the timebut what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all youprofessionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication Iseem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety andas if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doingnothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I havethese pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in meright now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just ashell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. Icontemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they areholding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to completemy long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he willnever have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go awayagain. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom hedesires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I amdistressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to takemy life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be freeof the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mothercomplaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stopacting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragementtowards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and havethe answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had theanswers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services butthen why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as likethe problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I didnot raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never beensuspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently.But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off withme gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he isthe oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never getadopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry mayultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks meout as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keepfighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I choseto not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear butin the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never goingto get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless evenwhen he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wantedbetter for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here livingsuffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn wasold enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will alwaysonly have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep eachother safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger womenthan I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vaguememories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has amother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sureboth sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless andthat they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be betterfor them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am nodifferent. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them.I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jailtime. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I amnot a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone andswear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I stillwill not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even whentelling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I amnot going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate whenI went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them Iwould do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happenthere at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from thatchoice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when Ihave been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly toobut when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able tolet my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let theirbehaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into apattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly careabout and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into thosesituations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt andshame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about themental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to racethrough my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. Idon’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which areall things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in thismode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or notbut I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because ofthe meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’tcare about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and dowhatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water isgetting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I havedecided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they arealso harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though.I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they maydetect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I amonly managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’twant to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, lettingmy heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keepgoing. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to takethem as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everythingin my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he systempays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when Idecide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize whatvalue there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have beendistressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouragedme and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how totrust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane ishelpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing tome. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you willrealize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of youwere ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in miserytill I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speakgood things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with somepositive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserableand causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wantingto even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it frommy point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so donot get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am justwriting to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where Istand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, andresources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and thoughit gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in mylife since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keepgoing that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that sincein the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though Iam managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted andwho could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleepthen maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills aweek ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterdayI would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would nothelp me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds Ihave been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for meis cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from myBPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome tome, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guiltyfor when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent upanger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let othersblame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking toslow down

and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationallyand emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regardingsuicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that areimpulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful tome. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from mysystem and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and beingwho I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I amcoming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew Ineeded someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands toa point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you.Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes.Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am notworth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may neverknow just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe theycared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied wellanyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more thanjust Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. Therewas a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you everagain. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I needsomeone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family aboutmy stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mindpoint. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last nightI was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then thenight before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make itup. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’tmatter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as ithas me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look asdespairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.

Bits and pieces...To be continued

2011-07-14T09:10:00.000-04:00

Things get overwelming sometines in life. Sometimes they just feel like too much too handle. But yet there is always some hope somewhere. There is always someone somewhere out there who is willing to offer you help even if that help is some encouragement. Alls I have ever needed in my life is people to care about and love me. I have need to be shown by people I matter and that my life is worth something. My parents never showed me that. My parents showed my siblings that to vary degrees but did not really show them that fully either.

My father was never really in my life and when he was he was high. When he did want us to spend time over his house we were there to clean, take care of his second family, go out and pick trash for cans so he could turn them in for money to buy his marijuana, and for us to be seen and not heard unless spoken to. He taught us that women were nothing and men were GOD's. He taught us to fight and snet us to fight with neighbors children when him and his neighbors had difficulties. But for the most part he was not really in my life when I was young. That was more from the ages of 12-15. when I was young and in the system he came to visit me when I was in residential at St. Anns Home very few times and at times when he was supposed to visit and had set visits up he would not show up.

My mom has always physcially been in my life but never really been there emotionally and mentally. I more needed her emotionally than I needed her physically I believe. Her fake care physically in front of social workers and therapist didnot make up for her lack of care emotionally and mentally when I came home when I was 11 and she was emotionally, mentally. and physcially abuseive towards me more than any of the other kids. I was the oldest of the 4 of us and maybe I should have the most responsibilties but I was still a child not the parent, not her boyfriends sex partner when she was not home and working nights, not the slave to do the dishes all the time or clean the house, and not the one responsible for all the fuckups whenever something went wrong. But I was the one who ended up with the consequences from most of it most ofthe time. I was the target of most of her anger. Though her boyfriend stepped inbetween her and I when she was physically abusing me at times and it caused them more arguments i paid a bigger price for it with his sexual abuse. Though at the time I did not recognize it and just knew it felt good, I needed someone to love me, and he seemed to care about me. Though i knew it should not be happening and was wrong for an adult to be with a child or young teenage gir I said nothing. In a way it feels as if it was my fault. I was in therapy and had opportunity to disclose and stop it but did not. instead I let it happen. Instead I felt as if I had to keep letting it happen even during the times i did not want it to happen and it did not feel good because he protected me, gave me things, and stuck up for me with my mom when she was abusing me physically. But he could not stop her emotinal and mental abuse which is what has harmed me most. Even to this day her words still echo in mind alot when I make decisions in my life. Her words still effect my life regularly. She will still at times tell me i am stupid when I make my mind up to do something she disagrees with or she does not want me to do. Or she tells me why dont you want to look nice if i cut my hair or do not wear the clothes she wants me to wear. Sometimes if feels as if nothing I do will ever satisify her or make her happy. I will never be able to make her proud of me and I can never make her love and care about me.

I will continue this later.....

Feeling Words in Use

2011-05-22T02:14:00.000-04:00

Feeling Words in Use

Environmental Change is often my way of escaping pain

2011-05-17T22:28:00.003-04:00

i do not own this picture nor the thought behind the words....

I understand this feeling though I have taken the evironmental change as an escape and ended up in a worse place than I was before running from the life I had. I have also done the change everything on the outside and still did not feel anything different inside. I have done this my whole life since I was raised by my mother who tried to change the environment we lived in but never changed herself and alls we ever did was move so i learned that way of life though we always ended up back where we were orignally from. Now I am 12 hours away and when I moved here things got worse and although they have settled somewhat I still feel just as miserable inside. just the past few days I have thought about moving away escaping this place and trying to start over again only to realize I cannot because I am forever stuck here. But if i one day decide it is ok for me to leave I am going to make sure that it is not under an emotional circumstance and a desire to run, avoid, escape, or to start over because I go wherever I move and if i have not changed the inside of me then there is no sense in trying to change everything around me.

abandonment and treatment providers effects on the role of abandonment

2011-05-16T09:45:00.004-04:00

Why is it when people work in the system they always seem to walk away whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. They walk away physically more often then mentally and emotionally. But once they walk away physically the mental and emotional parts of them are gone also. But when they emotionally walk away and are still physically there it is hurtful and painful. I believe it is even more damaging, atleast for me it is for someone to stand there and stay around in my life but yet to be emotional distanced and detached. They always seem to use the "bounderies" aspect of things to do this and then eventually there is nothing left. Once the bounderies are started and put in place it just keeps going to more and more extreme distancing.

The distancing created by what they call so called "bounderies" messes me up and makes me realize that it is just a job and that is why they claim to care. They claim to care because they are paid to care. They do not care for me truly. They do not care for me because I am someone they chose to care about and want in their life. Yeah, they say they choose who their clients are and that if they did not want me as a client then they would not have me as a client, but it is still not the same for me. I never have truly found anyone who cared about me really or stuck around for a lifetime.

People in the system tend to make false promises alot just to get you to trust them and then once you let them in and begin trusting them or get attached they distance themselves and detach. They claim it to be "bounderies" and that they are doing for your best interest and that you still matter and they still care for you just as much as they have in the past but yet it never feels that way. It always seem to feel as if they are abandoning you. It always turns out they abandon you. First comes the "bounderies" or emotional abandonment then comes the physical abandonment. it is a regular pattern in my life and seems to happen the same way with people in the system and who are treatment providers.

So then why do I not learn from that? Why is it I continually seek their approval and love? Why is it I keep allowing people in my ife like this and then let this happen to me? I keep allowing mysself to repeatedly be hurt and abandoned. But yet each time the next person I get involved with is able to break my walls down further and end up earning trust they never were meant to earn. My walls are supposed to thicker and less easy for them to get through but yet it seems they are easier for them to break. I try hard to build them up higher and more sturdy but yet they break them down even that is not my intention to allow them through. My abandonment issues cause me to attach and hold on but yet are repeatedly abandoned.

Questioning peoples motives and why they hurt me

2011-04-19T23:13:00.000-04:00

wishing people would stop fucking with my head and if they did not want me to trust them and want me to just keep the wallsup then say so. They do not have to feel incompetant or tell me they are afraid they are incapable of dealing with things if they help open them...They do not really have to deal with SHIT!!! I DO...No One Else!!! its all good the trust is gone now...screw it I never needed anyone in these 31 years and have been able to survive and hold these secrets within me without completely breaking I can keep doing it for another 14 years. I wish people really understood what their words do to me and how much I obsess over things they say. I wish they realized what ABANDONMENT is for me and how I perceive things as being abandoned by everyone in my life up until now and now I think I am completely feeling as if I truly deserve to be abandoned and do not need ANYONE for any reason. Why try as hard as they do to get me to open my self up and trust them only for them to basically want me to shut up and keep it all inside. Why did they work through the barriers only to close them back up with 10 times more shit to work back through to get back to the point where we were a week ago. Why did they just want me to stay closed up and never to speak a word about. KEEP THE SILENCE is what they desire well I will keep it to myself and never trust another living soul for as long as I continue breathing and my heart keeps producing blood. I will never trust again. I am done with letting people in and letting them get close. I am closing myself off to all you have to say and all they desire me to talk to them about. My secrets are safe within me!!!!

More poetry

2011-04-13T02:04:00.000-04:00

Another day
Its all the same
Seems just like yesterday
Never knowing what I became
They all walked away
Left me alone
Just wanted them to stay
If they had only known
How much I live in pain
As my life continues down the drain
I have lost the fear
As I no longer care Soon I will not be here

So many people I have known
But yet I still feel all alone
Life has taken its toll
Severly damaging my soul
I will never be whole
I will never be free
All this pain I have buried inside of me
Cant anyone really see
Why wont they just let me be
Let me end all the misery
I dont want to keep just getting by
I just wanna die

So much filth
beneath my skin
buried within my soul
go the secrets still untold
the disgust under my skin
cannot be scrubbed away
nor has it ever faded
disgusted by the filth
that is hidden within
I carve my skin
trying to rid the sin
realizing the dirtiness
will never dissapate
no one really knows nor understands
the damage there is within
as i continue drowning
fading into the darkness
from the dirt beneath my skin

day to day the pain does not really fade
hiding the shame living day to day
wishing it all would fade burying the pain
pushing people away when it becomes too much
I begin to break from all the shame

running through my mind
memories poison me
spinning and racing
remembering where i have been
drowning inside
i am about to fall
dont try to catch me
want my life to end
already dead inside
alone in this world
i continue to crawl
no reason here to live

overwelmed with guilt
i wish i was dead
the pain within
buried by sin
i was betrayed
by my very own mind
just trying to be protected
it could have been anyone
i gave in
let him commit the sin
now i will never win
when will my life begin
or is this just the end

why do i continue to live
why do i even try
why cant i just die
try to let go
try not to tell a living soul
committing suicide is my goal

try to rid myself of the pain
the poison drilled in my brain
the care he gave
sending me to my grave
i remember the first time
i was confused
many thoughts ran through my mind
still feel the confusion inside
continue to tell everyone i am fine
no one for me to confide
the secrets are mine
they stay buried inside
I continue to hide

you think you know me
jus let me be
when will you really see
i will never truly be free
the secrets i hold deep in me
what a relief it would be
if you could really see
then maybe i would feel free

Poetry

2011-04-13T01:42:00.000-04:00

Lost
That life I once desired is lost
Lost within the darkness
Buried deep by my heartache
Broken and torn apart

Hopeless
Losing sight of my dreams
All goals have faded from me
There seems theres nothing left
No more desires within
Seems like I am losing the endless fight
There is no end in sight

So many reasons for me to die
not many reasons to stay alive
Tell me why you think life is so good
I sit here and continue to drown
Wanting for my mind just to shut down

Why should I stay another day
When I could leave this world and go away
I desire to take the knife
I desire to take my life

I am the one to blame
There is no reason for me to be here
I hate living with the fear
Fear of never going anywhere
Believing people really care
But yet left here alone in shame

No reasons left besides peoples lies
Now I say my final goodbyes
As I continue to break
Fighting for and wanting more
Wondering what I am still living for

Is it too late
Alls I feel is emptiness
I continue to fall
Without any relief
Feeling so alone
I hide my shame
I keep all my pain
Buried deep inside

Why cant I let it go
I feel so alone
Memories hidden within
Of my life lived full of sin

The pain runs deep
Peace within
Thinking of my lifes end
I have no fear
Knowing my death is near
I have always known
You never cared
I have always known
No one ever really has cared

Tears run down my cheek
As I begin to feel weak
I am done with this fight
Wishing life would end tonight

Wishing my life gone tomorrow
I continue to drown in my sorrow
My life is full of sadness
I have so much madness
No one cares how I feel
What is the fucking big deal
If i do not resist
My desire to cut my wrist

I bleed out my fears
Instead of crying tears
Too many emotions deep inside
I try very hard to hide
All there is within my mind
So many people are blind

I get obsessed
When I am depressed
I dont want to shout
Instead i bleed it out

Thoughts produce more pain
Just playing the waiting game
My life is almost finished
My reasons to live are almost diminished

I felt this way many times before
Now I have decided not to live like this anymore
I have lost the fear
I decided I no longer care
I do not have to suffer with strife
Now that I am going to take my life

So many things I cannot say
All the things I must keep inside everyday
Wondering what my life has became
Knowing where I came from
realizing I will never be free
From the pain I live with that no one can see

2011-04-11T09:23:00.001-04:00

2011-04-11T09:12:00.001-04:00

2011-04-11T09:11:00.001-04:00

Emailed Letter I sent to My Supossed Mother

2011-04-06T00:36:00.000-04:00

I have so much running through my mind especially with the response I have received from you regarding this crisis I have placed myself in this week. I am hurt and also question myself regarding the truth of the love you have supposedly for me as you oldest daughter and child. It hurts me that you are always helping Gene and Heather out whether they place their problems upon themselves or not you are always fixing it for them. You do not sit there telling them how you will take their children even when they do drugs, physically fight, or cause themselves to have nothing. I feel you treat Heather more as your child than you have ever treated me as your child and she is of no blood to you But yet I am supposedly your daughter and feel as if she comes before me and is treated with more care and love than I have ever been. There are many times I even question the validity of your love and care for me.

There are questions I have had for many years and feel as if they are not answered by you. I also feel you do not take full or any responsibility for your actions towards me as a child and teenager. You either deny them or minimize them. You do not apologize for the beatings you gave me including the kicks to me as I coward on the floor in the kitchen when we lived on pilling street or the punches you gave to me many times during them 4 years I was home with you as a teenager while your boyfriend also used me as his sexual needs and desires to be his toy for lack of a better word. Then for you to not believe me and for you to continue secretly seeing him and having my son around him for many years later. You also then tried to bring my son Dakoata to a cookout and not invite me because he was going to be there so instead you chose him over me again. You have told me you do not feel you have anything to apologize for but the way I feel and the hurt I experience from your emotional abandonment and mental and physical abuse has damaged me for the remainder of my life and you do not even try to be sorry about it but minimize it, justify it, and deny it.

Another thing that really weighs on my mind is the fact that David McGlew supposedly molested you as a teenager but then why did you allow him around your own children including me and he stole my innocence. If you had already experienced it yourself from him then why the hell place your own child in that situation. In a way it feels as if it is somewhat your fault since you knew he was a pedophile and allowed him around us and alone with us. You can claim you were working and had to and that my supposed father was in charge but how could he be in charge of us when alls he was ever doing was getting high. You could have been a mom to us and protected us but did not. How come? How is it you placed me in that situation?

Do you really not know who my father is? Are you afraid to find out the truth? Why is it that no one is honest or willing to find the truth out? Are you hiding more than that? Why is it my whole life has been so secretive and I can never get any truth or real answers? Did the incident with the cat talking to you while laying on your stomach with me in it ever really truly happen? I have tried to research the newspapers both in the Haverhill Library and online and have never found any pictures of a little girl with a cat on the front page of the newspaper and the families house had been caught on fire a couple weeks after you guys got rid of it because it talked to you and told you the devil was going to possess my soul. Did you and my I don’t know if he’s really my father truly elevate off the bed and my cradle rock back and forth by it self? Where you both on drugs at any point during that time?

Why is it I fucked up and you don’t care enough to try and help me fix things but yet talk about taking my son from me if you have to claiming you really don’t want to but will? Why is it I am not good enough for you to help when I fuck up like I just have when it is not something that happens to me on a constant basis but instead I have to struggle and worry about losing my place to live and utilities and then will be unable to have my son with me but yet you continue taking care of Heather and Gene? Don’t you think I lost enough through this? I ended up in cardiac icu for 24 hours then icu for another 24 hours then fuck up my whole finances and have no way of paying anything and to top it all off sold my sons TV and my iPod I just got. I am left at the bottom with nothing and no one besides my mental health worker who seems to care about me more than you have ever. Don’t you realize how hurt I feel that you are not even offering any help to me but yet would jump in a heart beat for Gene and Heather including your most recent help you gave her by paying for her place to live. If you want my son that is fine! He will turn 18 soon and I will then not have to worry about if I mess up you will hang him in front of me as a pawn. He is 16 and has a right to make a choice of where he wants to be no matter what you think or say about me not caring for him recently or me being mentally unstable. I did what needed to be done. I fucked up and knew I needed to make sure Corey was okay and that is why I asked James to take him for a bit. I could have kept him at the house and pretended everything was okay but I did not instead I wanted to protect Corey. It is okay for me to need help and ask for help. It should not mean that because I temporarily need help for a few weeks until I get this all back on track that I am a piece of dirt.

I am not Gene! I have not manipulated you. I have not stolen from you. I have not committed crime after crime and still keep getting from you an attitude of its ok. You continue to let him fuck up and then do everything to fix it for him but yet don’t even offer to help me. I am hurt and it is painful and hard for me to say this too you as I have always feared what you would do to me or that you would abandonment which you have done many times in my life. But I am seeking the truth. I am seeking answers from you. I want to know why you do not love or care about me as a mother should love and care about her oldest daughter and child! I want the truth about my childhood and why you always treated me like dirt and as if I was unwanted. I want the truth and not excuses. I was your daughter not anyone else’s and I felt the brunt of your anger. I want to know why?

If you want my son that is ok! I will be ok! I have always survived without you and I can survive without you in my life. Until you decide to be my MOM and not treat me as dirt and an outcast I see no point in trying to keep pretending that I love you and want to have a relationship with you! You are more Heather’s MOM than you have been mine! I would like a response with some answers and truth. I do not want excuses from you anymore and if you can not do that and want to continue in your fantasies that you were a good MOM to me then I wish you the best and am letting you know now not to expect me to be calling or answering your phone calls anymore!

Have a nice Fairytale Life in your denial and Fantasy World… BYE and GOOD RIDDENCE

update of how I am feeling lately

2011-03-11T09:46:00.000-05:00

Well lately I have had a rough patch. A bit over a month ago I tried to kill myself and overdosed on 3 bottles of pills but failed unfortunately. I then decided to change my thinking after being released from the hospital and decided suicide was not going to be an option for me no more and I was going to try and improve my life.

But I then over the past week have fucked up my life so much that I have changed my mind and desired to complete my suicide. Though I made a commitment to someone important to me to not ever do it while she was away and that is what I am awaiting as she is away until next monday. Although it is difficult and I dont understand why she would want to be around when I do it as I would think she would not have to suffer through it. But I dont know. Things may change over these next few days and I may feel ok. But I am not sure. I am feeling at peace with my decision to catch the bus.

a goal of mine

2010-11-17T23:57:00.001-05:00

Learn to let go

I need to work through my childhood secrets and put a voice to my past so others may get help from me having a voice a never have had. it may help them gain some hope from it. This is a difficult for me and I am hoping to really be able to work through alot of this stuff and get something from it all and hopefully am able to give back some hope to others who are like myself and have secrets hidden within afriad to give a voice to them. I know that with exposure brings more pain before the peace will come and sometimnes that is scary. For me this is not the first time I have tried to work through this stuff in life and I am sure it is not the last time but I hope it will help me and I will stick with it long enough for me to gain the strength others in the world have by letting the secrets out and working through the pain that I have run from and avoided for so many years. I want to be able to give back and cannot do that until I have done the work I need to do and gotten through what I need to get through before trying to help others get through the same kinds of issues. I want to be able to be others rock when they need a rock when they feel just as I have felt over the years. I am in therapy but never really have dealt with any of it as I should have done many years ago when I had the chance. But instead I avoid and ran from it all keeping it burried and hidden inside my soal. I also am hoping to really do some work with my therapist on this stuff and since I now have what I beliee is a supportive treatmnet team and very good and workable encouraging but assertive mental health support worker. She seems to be someone I need in my life right now. Someone who will help me get things that need to get done done and not let me avoid issues I need to work on. I have alot I need to do and work on in life so I can become who I want to become and with her in my life as a support I may just become who I have desire to be. But who knows maybe she will get sick of my lack of motivation or my negativity and gve up on me just as everyone else does. But we will see. I am hoping all this will help me find some inner peace and maybe some confidence in myself and in life. Maybe I will find some joy in life and possible some inner happiness.

I dont need anyone my time is coming

2010-11-15T17:08:00.001-05:00

My time is coming and people claim they care but do I really matter? Why would they care? Why should they care? Why do they care if they really do?

All the people i have met in my life and all the friends I have made throughout the years where are they? where were they when I needed them? where are they now that I am alone and needed people here for me to help me make it through to get me out of this dark hole that seems as if it has no bottom.

My dark hole will end soon when my life ends. When I am gone. Then will people ten come out of the wood work and claim they cared that they were here for me that I mattered to them. That my kids mattered to them as much as the other kids in their lives? They will all say they tried to love me, they tried to help me, they tried to care about me...But did they really? Did they make the thoughts stop? Did they help me end my pain? Did they try to help me get my kids back truly or did they only care about themselves and their lives including their jobs and just pretended to try to help me get my kids back. Was anyone really truly on my side when I was fighting a losing battle against a system that stigmatized me and consistantly and constantly provoked my symptoms to flare up. No one helped they only coaxed me into the obyss which ended in the loss of my children, te loss of my life.

one of my workers seems to have accepted the fact that i plan on attempting to take my lif soon and hope to succeed at the taking of my life althoulgh she wishes I would not and i woulkd find reason and meaning with life. She sees something in me that is not there but yet she cannot understand that all hope is gone.

My therapist seems to be taunting me into attempting to take my own life and hoping i fail so she can say see I told you so. As she has told me a few times overthe past couple sessions that I have tried in the past and told her many times before that I wanted to die and plan on killing myself and instead I have failed so why should she believe me this time. In a way it angers me that I have been seeing her for 4 years and she is the one I feel does not care the most. She is the one I feel appears the least concerned about my depressiona dn thinking and is being more of a pill pusher than the psychiatrist has been to me. She thinks pills will magically make me feel somewhat better and then that therapy will fix the rest but yet I have been in therapy since i was 4 years old and never been able to open pandoras box up and let my secrets have a voice to them and tell another human being about the shame i have inside and the shame i feel regarding my daughters violation. I can write about some of it which puts words to it but I cannot put a voice to it. I cannot face someone and speak of the dirtiness I was and still feel or the thoughts that run through my mind regarding why.

Then there is my family who has always pretended to care and love me on the surface but yet has damaged me the most by their lies, denial, hurtfulness, hatefullness, abuse, and lack of care and concern for me and my needs in life. They know none of what is happening with me nor do I want to them to know. They will find out when I do what I am goign to do and my plan is put into action. They then will have full control of my son again and I will not be there to interfere in their ways of raising him in which has never helped him but yet they insist that there way is the way he needs to be raised and he needs to be miserable all his life just because they want to control peoples happiness and misery just as they helped control my msiery my whole life until finally I had no happiness left inside for them to take.

Then there are people who claim to be friends of mine who put contingencies on me and the friendship so I feel I cannot truly reveal myself nor my real plans of suicide to them as they may just walk away from me before I do it and truly show me how much I never really mattered and they did not really care about me but only tried to brainwash me into their cultish ways as they do their own children and manipulate their own minds into believing their maniplations as truths. Reminds me so much of y husband who was manipulative, brainwashing, controlling, and abusive. Then the other people who claimed to be friends of mine through out my life who just disappeared on me and no longer responded to me when I called them and left messages checking on them. After all the things I tried to do for people to help them have better lives as I knew my life was not worth anything but maybe, just maybe their lives were worth something. Their lives were worth my effort, time, and help I offered and extended. i only wanted friendship or maybe not even friendship but just people to talk to once in a while who remebered me for the little stuff not for the craziness i do to impress people or make people like me because i feel no one does and it seems when i do them things they end up liking me until my craziness and trying to impress them with my wacky will crazi behavior turns into the real me. the depressed, lonely hopless no good person I am and everyone disappears. they all hae walked away from me. always ahve and always will I guess.

need to release the "fear" and put a voice to things rather than just words

2010-11-15T05:34:00.000-05:00

I am up way to early. I slept outside on my porch. I needed the fresh air, but I awoke with so much in my head and on mymind and do not know where to start when I get to therapy today or how to blog about it on my blog. It is such a shame that ever week I have an aggender before therapy and plan on working on some "real" issues that "I" need to work on before feeling i will get any further in life but when I get there the "fear " inside me holds me from being able to do it. I just cannot put a voice to my abuse although I can put words to them on a blog but feel as if it is not enough as I get no real validation of my pain I feel from it

Wanting to remember the whole truth behind my pain

2010-11-15T05:32:00.000-05:00

There is just so much on my mind this morning after sleeping out in the cold fresh air. I wonder how children learn about forgiveness and how we as adults learn if we were never taught how to forgive. I taught myself far too long how to forget and now I want to remember so that I can learn the real forgiveness but feel I cannot forgive if I do not know the whole truth of the pain inflicted upon my body and mind from those who were supposed to love me.

2010-11-13T23:47:00.003-05:00

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

2010-11-13T23:01:00.000-05:00

It is hard for me to pick a specific person in my life who treated me like shit and made my life HELL since I believe it was a combination of so many people treating me like shit that made my life HELL. But I guess I will write about specific situations that specific people did to treat me like shit that made my life difficult and a living HELL to this day.

I will say though that I have probably been the one who has treated myself more like shit than anyone else has ever done to me. Well that is hard to weigh on a scale but I have not treated myself very good and made my own life worse than it would have been if I just nurtured myself and cared about myself more than I had and do. I have made my life more of a living HELL over the past few years than it should have been.

Growing up in a system where people come and go taught me that adults really did not care and could not be trusted to provide me with nurturance and were only going to leave me. This is where my abandonment issues come from. This very system also ripped me from my family, my parents and siblings and seperated us into different places. I went to residential where I learned to be an aggressive angry person. I do not like aggression but that was all I knew back then. That was how I knew to express myself as there were many adults there trying to control everything. To me the system treated me like shit and made my life back then a living hell.

Then there is my abusers. The sexual abusers who took my trust in people and the world away and I still have been unable to regain this fully. They also made me feel dirty. I feel there is something wrong with me sexually and I cringe just thinking of myself as a sexually being. Their treatment of me as a sex figure for them and to satisfy their sexual desires now has caused me to feel as if that is the only thing I am good for in a mans life. I feel empty most of the time and feel worthless. I feel as if my life is not my own. They stol my life and made my life a living HELL from a very early age.

The physical mental and emotional abuser that treated me like shit and made my life a living hell lives in a state of denial as to how she affected me and my life. It is difficult for me to continue a relationship and not rehash every hurtful word she ever told me. But yet her words echo in my mind many times throughout my life as I fight life each day and strive to overcome her downgrades and the living Hell I live in because the words she spoke to me on the occasions she said them to me. They stuck more than than anything else since I barely remember anything else besides the hurtful things she said and did to me in my life. Though I know she was the one who fought the state to get us out of the system for many years while my sperm donor moved on abandoning us to have more kids and another family.

Still there is more but I have had enough negativity in this regarding my life of Hell and do not wish to speak of anymore of the people who treat me like shit right now and who make my life HELL.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

2010-11-10T15:47:00.000-05:00

I guess I should be able to say there are alot of people in my life who have given me hope and made my life more worth living but I cannot. There were times in my life where i felt my life was worth living more than other times but I am not really sure there have been many times I have truly felt my life has been fully worth living.

Growing up as a child I did not really know much of things in life that I experience were abnormal even though I was taking from my parents and placed in foster care briefly. I then was placed in a residential home where I was surounded by many other abused and very angry children and adolescents much like myself. Some more angry and some less angry. Some more compliant and some less compliant. Although maybe not so. I may have been the worst child there as it seems that almost everyone that was there when I came left before I did and the ones that came after I did also left before I did. I also did not go home because i earned my way out by behaving and doing what I needed to do to get home after my mother regained custody back years later. I went home at almost 12 years old because they wanted me medicated with medications my mother did not want me on and they said they could do no more for me as i was out of control. So my mother took me home. I was there from right before I turned 7 years old until I was almost 12 years old.

Then at 15 I began self harming and suicidal after the birth of my 1st child and lived in residential after my 1st hospitalization when he was 6 weeks old and he lived with my my mother. I stayed in residential until i aged out of the child and adolescent system at the age of 19.

When I left there i went into an adult group home and left 2 weeks later and stayed homeless and went in and out of hospitals for trying to kill myself and self injury. I was hopeless and my life was not worth living and I wanted to die. I felt there was no point to living and life sucked.

In May 2000, I fond out i was pregnat with my second child. That gave me hope I then felt I had purpose and I felt my life was worth living. That was short lived. Well not that short lived as it lasted 5 years and a marriage and 3 more children until my children were taken and I knew I would never get thjem back as my mental helath deteriated once they were taken from me and my husband. I fought for them for 18 months but that day they were taken I knew it was over my life was gone and not worth living any more. During those 5 years I had been in the hospital 1 time ofr feeling suicial about 3 years before that and once for self injury. I had that May 2000 decided when I found I was pregnant with that 1st child of my 4 youngest that I had reason to live and no longer needed to rely on my hopeless feelings and behaviors to cope with my negative feelings and all those feelinsg came rushing back once they were taken from me and I had no reason to control my urges or thoughts to escape and avoid feeling empotional pain anymore.

Now I feel I have no one who makes my life wort living for anymore. Who once made me feel there was a reason to keep going are gone and I no longer matter.

Letter to My Baby Girl Winter Rose

2010-11-07T11:21:00.003-05:00

Letter to my youngest child
June 10, 2009
Winter
Each day that passes as you grow I wonder how you are. I have wondered about you for a while now and wish I was with you as you grew. I know that you were very young when all this separation occurred. I feel guilty for not spending more time with you. When you were born there were many things happening and there was so much chaos happening in our family. Dakoata was soon to turn 1 year and Autumn and Daniel returned home from foster care when you were 9 days old. During the transition for them to come home from foster there were many things going on and your father and I just had never been able to get along. I feel ashamed for not giving you the time as I was able to give to the other kids and I apologize for not giving you what you deserved and needed. You were a great baby although you just could not handle all that was happening around you. Deep inside it hurts me to know I was unable to care for you the way you needed and to keep things calm around you in order for you to develop and grow as you needed. I am sorry I was unable to be the mom you needed. Since that day that I lost you I have had many regrets for those 11 months we were together. There were many struggles and I know you need more than what I was able to give you. I can not take any of what happened back and I know you do not even know me as your mother. I never deserved to have children and sometimes wish I ad listened to others when they told me not to have anymore that the ones I had was enough. I do not regret having you. You are such a beautiful girl and I wish the best for all of you in the future. I only hope that your life is happy and full of joy as you grow. Things have not been easy for me and at times it has seemed somewhat bearable since losing you. But deep down is this emptiness and sorrow that can never be filled as hard as I try to lesson the pain I have I am still hurting. I know things are better for you without me and wish that you were old enough for me to explain all this to you when we parted our lives and went our separate ways. I still see your smile from time to time as you learn each new thing. I am sorry I had to give you a poor start to life which at this time is such a precious thing for you to have. I wish I could say the same for my life but I know your life is deserved. I wish you all the best in the future and want for things to be normal for you as you grow and with each new day steps closer to your goals and dreams that you may have or will some day have. You are a tough little girl and I love you so much. I want you to know and someday understand that the path I am taking is not the path I want for any of you kids. I never want for you to hurt and even think about doing anything that I am doing. I want for you kids to follow your dreams and enjoy life. It is too late for me but it is not too late for all of you. Keep those smiles on your faces and stay strong. Know in your heart I loved you so much and just could not handle being here without all of you. It has torn me and caused me heartache being separated from you and fearing never seeing any of you again. None of this is any of your faults as I have a hard time facing life and all that comes with it. I am not doing this to cause any of you hurt or sorrow but to give you all finality in your lives knowing I am not out here looking and waiting for you. I love you and your sister and brothers and wish you all the best.
Love you Always,
Mom

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

2010-10-29T14:50:00.000-04:00

after really thinking about this for a while I have realized there is really nothing in life that I believe I hope I never have to do as everything in life that I would have not wanted to do I have had to do. I have lost all that I could have wanted. I have been at bottom. I have never been at top. I have lost all I could lose. I have taken from me all that I could have wanted. There is nothing else in life that can be taken from me. There is no decisions I can make that I can make mistakes that i will regret as much as the decisions i have made already that I regret.

I do not want ot make a decision to live as my decision has been made that I want to die. I do not want to make a choice whether to get treatment for a terminal illness as I want to commit suicide. I do not want to decide whether my kids will come find me when they get older as I fear they are being lied to as they are growing up with their adoptive families and being lied to and told they were not loved or cared about by me. I believe they are being told I hated them and abused them. When the problem is that I hated myself and life and could not stabilize my mental health enough to get them back but I never hit them, yelled at them, nor did I discipline them...so yes I neglected them. But I loved them. I wanted more for them than what I had growing up and did not know how to give them that without doing the complete opposite of what I got. But I told them how much they were loved and how they were smart and loved. But I did not provide the discipline nor did I provide the housing clenliness or parenting they needed as my husband and I never could get along and constantly fought. Fear they will never know the truth that they were loved by me.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

2010-10-29T12:03:00.000-04:00

I guess the biggest thing in life I hope for is happiness. Not just surface happiness but internal happiness. I want to not feel this inner doom I so feel deep inside.

When I was a teenager there were many things I enjoyed doing and that I thought I was good at even if I really was not good at it I liked doing them. Now I try to do them things and cannot do them. I used to be able to write poetry and express the pain I feel with words on paper now the words cannot come out the pain is wordless. I use to draw and it helped me get through some difficult moments and cope now I cannot do that either. I used to like to bake and craft now I try to do those things and i feel nothing except misery from them same activities I once flt some sort of joy from.

I want to regain some joy in my life. My hope is to gain inner happiness in life. I never realized I had happiness in my life until I completely have had none for the past few years and now I am hoping to regain some. Although I would truly like to have a completely full fillin happy life I am unsure that that is possible so my hope is to just regain some truly real inner joy and happiness as I once felt in the past that I though I did not have then.

You never realize you have something until you lose it. Then yoou want it back and feel hopeless.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

2010-10-26T14:25:00.000-04:00

Forgiveness is a difficult concept for me to grasp. As forgiving someone else for something they have done that ahs hurt you or effected you you is not really about forgiving for the sake of the other person but it is about forgiving the other person for there hurt they caused you for your own sake. For you to be able to move on, let go, and kind of forget tehir wrong to you.
I have forgave many things in my life that were miniscule and did not cause me as much harm as other tings that I have not been able t forgive people for or forget the pain they caused. I have let go of many hurts but on the other hand cannot grasp the forgivness concept of letting go, forgetting, and moving on from my wounds that are deep within my sole.

There are many things people have done to me in my life that I cannot forgive them for. I cannot move on from, forget about, or let go of the pain they have imbedded in my already wound sole. There are things I would liek to be able to move on from and let go of the pain from that others who are currrently involved in my life has caused and that still gives me difficulties when communicating and interacting with these people. But unfortunately it is difficult for me to let go and move on from these things because I am looking for answers or validation from the other person who needs forgiveness and they will not or cannot give me what I need to e able to let go and move on. Forgiving them for something they did is kinda of a difficult concept as they are still in denial about there actions and it is hard for me to forgive and forget when they deny my feelings about the wound they caused.

I need to work on forgiveness greatly and for this I need to choose one thing I need to forgive someone for and choosing only one is hard but I can do it.

I guess I would say I would like to forgive my mother her abusive; emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and physically; behavior towards me as a teenager. This is very difficult for me as she denies my feelings about it and minimizes her behavior. She refuses to admit she was wrong by abusing me and will not validate my pain and hurt she caused for me throughout life.

30 Day Blog Challenge

2010-10-24T01:05:00.001-04:00

1. Introduce yourself
2. a recent picture of yourself and 15 facts about you
3. a picture of you and your friends
4. a habit that you wish you didn’t have
5. a picture of somewhere you’ve been to
6. favorite super hero and why
7. a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
8. short term goals for this month and why
9. something you’re proud of in the past few days
10.songs you listen to when you’re happy, sad, bored, excited, mad
11. put your iPod on shuffle & list the first 10 songs that come up
12. nicknames you have and why
13. a picture of you last year and now; how you’ve changed since then
14. a pic of u and ur family
15. a song that makes you cry
16. an art piece
17. a talent of yours
18. a hobby of yours
19. a youtube video
20. whatever tickles your fancy
21. your day in great detail
22. a picture of something that make you happy
23. your fears
24. your best friend
25. your beliefs
26. whats in your bag
27. your first kiss
28. something you regret
29. something you miss
30. your dreams

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

2010-10-23T23:50:00.000-04:00

There are many things that I need to or should forgive myself for. These things are brudeoning to myself emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. They at times run my life and hold me back. These things at times in my life resurface repeatedly only for me to bury them back inside or for me to try and run from them.

Forgiveness for me is a difficult term and one I have a hard time understanding. Forgiveness to menas somehow seems I should be able to let go of whatever it is I am trying to forgive and not continue to feel ashamed or guilty about. It somehow feels as if I forgive myself for something I have done wrong in the past then I am saying it was okay or I no longer deserve to be punished or distraught about the thing.

I have the greatest difficulty with foriving myself more tan forgiving others. But even when I think I have forgiven others and it no longer is a wedge between myself in the person sometimes that same thing that I thought I had forgiven someone about resurfaces and I feel angry again at the person for the incident that I had supposedly forgiven them for. I hold alot of anger inside towards myself and others that have come intoand out of my life and even some of them are currently still in my life. If I truly forgave them or myself for something then I would not have the pent up anger up have about the supposed forgiven incident. Forgiveness is not supposed to be forgetfulness but for me I believe the only way for me to fully be able to forgive someone for something fully would be that I would have to forget about and let go of the incident that I am forgiving completely. Erase it from my memories.

So I guess I must choose 1 thing for this exercise I need to forgive myself for. This is a difficult task for me and one that is hard for me to pinpoint without dredging up everything. I could choose a general topic which would include many specifics that need my forgiveness of myself about or I could pinpoint a single thing to talk about. I am unsure what to choose.

A recurring issue in my life is my childhood and my knowing what occured was wrong, was abuse, and I should stop it. But instead I did not stop it. At times I even liked it and my body got enjoyment from it. At times I even sought after it. But in my mind I knew I should not be allowing it. I knew I should stop it. I knew I should say soemthing to someone. I could have told my therapists in school or the counselors at the residential I went to, or a social worker who came to our house, or my pyschiatrist, or one of the many professionals that were involved in my families lives off and on back them. But I did not say a thing. Instead I allowed it to happen repeatedly over and over. I did not say anything until I had too much and felt imprisioned within it. I felt imprisioned within my secrets. Then when I did tell I was not believed by the sole person I needed to believe me.

This is something I still hide from and cannot talk in details about this si something that emotionally keeps me stuck and imprisoned. I still punish myself for this. I still feel I deserve the pain I have from the effects of what happened. I still cannot forgive and let go of this. Forgiving myself would be telling myself it was okay in my mind and I am unable to do that.

Denial and Parenting

2010-10-21T18:18:00.000-04:00

Growing up my father parenting us when he felt like he wanted us involved in his world. When he did parent us he was always high as he was a pothead and I guess in his mind he could be a good parent while under the influence of drugs. His denial surrounding around the fact that weed did not effect his parenting and he beilieved that parentig us under the influence was not harmful to us I guess. The denial is a belief that is irrational and its effects on me have been angering enough that it hasmade me not want to talk with him or associate myself with him as I have become an adult.

Critizing me as a child and teenager, my mother lives in denial regarding the effects I have from her "abuse". Nevermind the physically abuse she perpetrated on me when I was a teenager. I am speciafically more effected by her denial of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse. Her name calling, critisizing, controlling behavior, putdowns, and outwardness regarding my looks were very harmful to me. The more I think about this abuse the more I am bothered because I was not who she wanted me to be, I did not dress the way she wanted me she critisized me and abused me. She allowed others including my siblings to make comments regarding the way I dressed also. She also joined in when others were putting me down. This really hurts. It hurts me even more than it did back then because of her denial regarding the effect this abusiveness had upon me. It was never right for her to abuse me nor allow anyone else including my siblings to do so either.

As I had my own children and family I tried my hardest to make them feel loved psychologically, mentally, and emotionally but lived under a sheet of denial to a degree and i still somewhat live under that sheet of denial regarding my childrens emotional, mental, and psychological difficulties being because of my neglect of them. I believed that my constantly telling them I loved them, they were pretty and handsome, that they were speical made up for the neglect they were experiencing in my home by winessing domestic violence which included emoitonal, mental, and psychological abuse by both my husband and I towards eachother. I denied that our abuse of eachother caused any of the childrens issues. For my children to hear and see the manipulation, control, and verbal abuse they saw and me to believe that my childrens issues were not because of what they were experiencing in my home was absured and a big form of my denial and taking responsibilty for my childrens psychological abuse they endured. I sometimes still minimize there experience to a degree but also know the truth of the matter was I neglected my children and caused them psychological difficulties they battle and may always have to battle because of the effects of theior experiences in my home and my DENIAL.

Children are greatly impacted by parents denial. Denial hurts children and causes them more harm than it does the adults or so called parents. In a way to be in denial is neglectful to the children we are parenting and causes tehm harm.

To even be in denial regarding our own mental health issues or a childs mental health issues is neglectful and very harmful to a child. For so long I lived a denial to a degree regarding my psychological difficulties effecting my childrens psych but I now realize that my denial of my own mental health issues and the extent that my actions effected my childrens mental health was neglectful towards my children and hurt tehm greatly. When I was psychologically unstable I was not a good parent and anyone who believes their psychologicla difficulties do not impact a childs life is in DENIAL.

Being a parent in denial can greatly impact children for the rest of their lives and I am sorry i caused my children possibly to have life long difficulties because of my need to avoid the TRUTH.

I thought I loved my children but did not know how to love them. I thought I showed them what I believed love was but me being neglectful and and in denial was not loving them the way they deserved!

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

2010-10-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

Alright here goes...I am supposed to write about something I love about myself but am unsure there is anything I truly LOVE about myself as I do not have a tangable understanding of LOVE and what it is and what it means.

I know it means something differnet for everyone. But I do not believe I love anything or anyone. I like things and people but I do not have a great understanding of LOVE so therefor I am not going to write about anything I love about myself although I will write about somethings that I like about myself.

Even finding things I like about myself is difficult for me but here goes I will try to write about something that I am atleast okay with.

I like the fact that I have survived and soemwhat overcome many things that life has thrown my way. I may not have gotten passed them totally but if I am still here then I still have a chance of getting totally through them and being ok.

I like my ability to empathize and understand others in life who are struggling. I also like my ability to self teach myself and leanr on my own as it is difficult for me to be taught by someone else who I feel and believe does not have the ability to understand my ways of learning and truly does not realize who I truly am.

I like my desire to grow even if I get discouraged I still keep fighting my demons and struggle to overcome my own beliefs and keep fighting to gain knowledge. Even if I do not use the knowledge for myself i have the ability to remember and gain knowledge that I can use to help others in life who are struggling.

I guess this is all good things that Ilike about myself. When I began this topic i had a difficult time thinking there was anything I really like about myself but after sitting down here and beginning to write I found a few things I Like about myself.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

2010-10-03T21:53:00.000-04:00

There are many things I hate about myself. I am not really sure there truly is anything I honestly like about myself. But I guess since this does not say some things and says something I will have to choose to write about just a single thing I hate about myself. So here goes...

I hate that I am scarred. There are very few places I can look at on my body that does not have a self induced scar on it. I am ashamed of my scarring I have caused myself but yet still am unable to take hold of the continuous self destructive pattern that leaves the scars upon my body. I have tried to minimize them and also have tried to use whatever I could to lighten them but to no avail. They will never go away. They remind of the pain I endured and what has caused me to cause harm to myself. They also remind me that there is an option for me to induce more scarring upon myself if I am too distressed and unable to face my emotional pain.

My scars remind me of how much I have destroyed myself and my childrens lives by being unable to cope with my pain and the fear I felt when there was the unknown. My scars remind me of what became my life while fighting for my angels. Instead of truly fighting for my children I instead needed to escape and be cowardly. I was weak and unable to endure the fear of the unknown which was the decision whether or not what i did was good enough to get my kids back or not. The not knowing was what I tried to escape when I needed to avoid the pain I felt in my life.

My scars remind me of how weak I was and still am when it comes to self control and my ability to handle emotional pain. My scars remind of how disgusting my bodie looks and makes me more self conscious than I was before I caused my body to be covered in a secret code of pain inflicted upon myself. The self infliction of cuts upon my body lets me know how worthless I am and was. I hate the many scars that tell the story or my pain without words!!!

30 Days of Truth about me

2010-09-23T12:36:00.000-04:00

I am going to start this 30 Days of truth about me. I will write another blog entry today regarding the first day of this...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

2010-09-10T00:20:00.000-04:00

I am angry right now. I also am sad. I feel unloved and hurt.

It begins back when I had my babies living with me. Wewll maybe it starts before that. When my second son was born my mother was there and was involved in his life. although she hated to and very rarely would babysit him for any time period. Her things was "he does not stop crying from the time you leave until the time you come back". The same thing happened when my daughter was born. Then my husband and I seperated and he caused me alot of emotional and mental harm during his furlough in the relationship, filing false kidnapping charges and gaining an emergency custody order by means of lies. I then got back with him and had my 3 son who he was not the biological father of but was in the "father" role to him. With that child things were somewhat better but not to the extent or degree and investment from you i wanted or would have liked. Then the baby was born and the older two came hom from foster care. During their 2 year stint in foster care you did not invest much time and effort into them. When all the kids were home you visted but still would not babysit the older 2 and very rarely spent time with any of them. It really hurts me sitting here thinking about how unimportant my kids appeared to be to you at that time and still seems that that is the same way you are now.

Less then a year later I lost all 4 of them to the state and they were placed in foster care. During that 18 months before i lost them you continuously made broken promises about how you were going to come and visit and file for custody but conveniently could never get the time off work or had your own personal life to live and also raising my oldest son and dealing with his issues along with dealing with my siblings lives and chaos. I felt as if i did not matter and my kids meant nothing to you back then and somewhat feel that way now. During that time you managed to take a vacation from work to visit my sister and her kids. you also managed to go out to california to visit family and make a decision to move there and ended up moving there with my brothers and their mates and kids. Then when one of them causes problems out there you send him here to live with me knowing i already had enough of my own but out of protection for him and his newborn you send him only for him to cause me more problems and steal from me and use me. once he caused destruction here you then decide to quit your job in california because he needed you but yet claim you moved here so you could fight for my kids knowing you had not bothered with them the whole 16 monts they had been in foster care and i was fighting for them. Then you file for custody knowing the court was going to say something about you not having to anything to do with their lives for all that time and the many times you promised to coming here and file the custody for the kids. But yet you come 2 weeks before my rights are taken and really do not fight for them instead you file the papers and sit back and just let the court make theri decision and never and file an appeal for the kids. Then you move away 2 months later with no care in the world surrounding my kids. You abandon me and them.

You never say anything about loving or missin them now or over the 3 years since then. Their birthdays and holidays come around and their names are not even a word from yor mouth. Did you never really love or care about them just as you never cared or loved me.

to be continued...I am too upset and angry right now and cannot get my thoughts together enough to be able to write sensibly...

my pain within

2010-09-08T11:36:00.002-04:00

No one understands the pain buried within
I need people to see the pain I am in
expose my pain upon my skin to show what I feel inside
without the external exposure of my pain
No one seems to realize what is buried inside
I write it on my skin
Exposing the pain that I feel within

Letter I just sent to my therapist (was not the intention of me writing to her)

2010-09-08T00:19:00.000-04:00

Things have changed and the agency has and still continues to go through many ups and downs. I understand to a degree that this is just a career to you. But why did you choose this career. People do not choose careers in this type of field for nothing. People do not decide they want a job full of stress and that desensitizes them emotionally to peoples pain for no reason. There are underlying reasons people choose a career in the mental health system that is not very rewarding on a personal level. Most people in your position choose the career they are in because of personal life experiences. So why then does it feel to me that your choice to be in your position is not a choice to you anymore. You do it just to do. It seems to me that there are expectations placed upon you that is interfering in your ability to meet the needs of the clients you have on your case load. Yes you work for a community mental health center and with that brings overcrowding and the need for more than the very few counselors that are employed by the agency but why is it that I feel that the counseling is no longer a priority. Why is it that clients continue to need services but yet the needed services do not get provided but yet other agencies provide more services than the agency which is the main agency of service to the client. Mental Health Supports should not be the ones providing my counseling as they are not the one being paid for that service, they are not the ones trained to the degree that you and community services are trained to provide. Do not get me wrong they are helpful and they also aid in my treatment but I feel my treatment through community services and specifically my therapy treatment is no longer important now that you are forced into doing more than your share of the services their at Courtland.

Have you lost sight of the reasons you chose a career in counseling? Is that no longer important? Do the clients not really matter as we are just a means to bring in more income and funding to the agency no matter how much less productive and how much less services truly are being provided.018153 is all I am to you and everyone else in that agency it seems to me. It feels as if there is no point to coming there anymore for treatment as I do not feel treatment is being provided on a needs basis but rather on a basis of case managing. There feels as if there is no therapy being provided and my life is no more important to that agency as it was to my abusers growing up. I feel I am just a statistic to that agency as of lately and that me as a human being is not really what is looked at. My needs do not get addressed. The agency needs gets more addressing than the clients’ needs. The clients need more services than the agency provides. The agency needs to stop cutting services out and stop limiting the needs of clients to the limited services they are willing to provide. Stop cutting services and instead build more services to help the clients like productive lives and lives that should be worth living. What progress has the agency made with DBT? Non that I have seen. Dbt instead in my opinion has gotten less productive and less structured than it was back when I first began DBT in 2006 at Community services. Instead of building up programs the agency wants to continue trying to cut out services and do less of mastering the services they claim to provide. They continue to sacrifice Mental Health treatment, groups, and services and fight to provide and maintain addiction treatment and services that are instead of improving just being used to claim as a service provided but is it really being provided and maintained to a level that it should be maintained and provided. TREM was started and is a much need group in the area as there is no other trauma related groups in this area but it was cut out and never maintained as it should have been. The funding was not placed on maintaining that group in the agency. DBT now is just a fly by no effort to place on group within the agency. The recovery enhancement group is no longer done and that was a group that help some and could be beneficial to many if marketed properly and maintained to a degree it should be maintained. IOP is a forever unproductive group that seems to need more structure and commitment placed on it from the agency. DBT core group was stopped and never again even given a second though to it. How you ever realized you have a voice and could really help people if you advocated to a degree of advocating as you are able to. Yes I understand you advocate but do you truly really advocate for services that are in place to be revamped and actually given the attention that is need for them to truly succeed in helping people succeed in their lives. And maybe you have and maybe you do I just have not seen it and do not see progress within the services provided through the agency. I have seen so many changes effect the agency as a whole and us clients but do not see them as helpful in maintaining stability.

There have been many services cut out of the agency and non that have replaced those services. The very same services that I was involved with that had been helpful to some degree in the past are the very services that have been cut out and given no attention to them to maintain or to reorganize them to a point where they can be used to provide much needed services in the greater Lynchburg and surrounding area. How is it that services can be shutoff and unmaintained as the services within the agency has. Do you even realize, recognize, or understand all that I see that has happened within the agency over the past years and if so how is it that you act unaffected and as if all this is not important and do not matter to you and you continue to come to work and not stand up for the needs of your clients or the community when you took the counseling oath you took. There are many reasons like these that make people in your position decide to get out and make them change career paths or get away from agency such as the one that is employing you but yet for whatever reason you continue to stay in an agency that does not appear to be concerned with services to clients or the community but just in maintaining staying open. The services has greatly depreciated and no longer even seems to feel as a service but it feels as just an in between place where you can go to get information regarding the services in the area and be pawned off to some other services but yet keep us as the main service providers on paper so we can keep getting funding for the lack of services we provide but refer you to any and every other agency around. Do you see the effects of the way the agency is run on clients? Does anyone see how these things have effected clients? Does it matter to anyone in the agency how I as a client and not just case 018153 is and has been effected by what has occurred within the confinements of the agency that you work for and they run.

I understand you are just one person, one employee there. I also understand that you are one voice that I believe could make a difference if that voice truly care about us clients as people and lives really worth that voices efforts. Yes maybe I am not the client that is worth your voice but realize and understand your voice is the voice that could be used to advocate for more than just someone like myself. The way the agency is being run it may be you or a co-worker who needs the services at some point. Then would your voice be worth using. Is it just that we, including myself are not worth your advocating for the needed services, maintaining of the services that are provided, and the improvement of those services. Could it be that a family member of yours or yourself or a coworker needed the services could that be a motivating factor in people in that agency maintaining, improving, or providing services. Does no one there see that we are not just people we are members of families, some of us are employees, some of us could be very productive services if people really put the time, effort, and confidence in us as they do their own families, and selves.

I guess I am going to stop this ranting and tangent and hopefully have made some important points and given you some things to truly think about as my motivation for writing to you tonight was to get some frustration out regarding my need for treatment, stability, care, support, hope, and help. I also intended on expressing to you my thoughts recently and how my actions have contributed to my underlying depression, but instead I have used this as a message to vent regarding stuff that is not going to matter to you or anyone else there and instead I have wasted my time, effort, thoughts, and energy on things that are important to me and hopefully others like me and never got into what I originally sat here to write to you about. I may choose to do that in a bit but need to take this time in this moment to reflect on all I have just contemplated and relayed to you in this message. I only hope that I have not made you feel unimportant, alienated, angry, frustrated, or targeted by my anger towards what is happening in your job and its effects it has on me. I do realize that you are doing your best at the moment but I hope I also have helped you to see that you can try to do more than you do instead of just sitting there taking orders from the people above I hope I have inspired you to use your voice as an advocate for people like me who do not or cannot always use their voices.

Hipocrisy

2010-07-28T14:03:00.001-04:00

Something that frustrates me a whole lot is people who believe that there shit does not stink or they are better than others when their past was no different if not worse than others.

People who act as if they are so great just because they have changed over some years. They did many things in their past that they now frown on people who have the same things affecting their lives. They did drugs, they neglected their children, they put their children in dangerous situations, their children witnessed domestic violence, and they lived a life of unholiness. however they now act as if they are better than people who do that. they act and talk about how people should not expose their children to situations, they talk about people who get help from the system financially. But yet they committed fraud because they were collecting welfare and food stamps and claiming the father was not around or they worked under the table and did not claim the income so they could support their addictions. Now that they no longer need help from the government they talk about the government taking from the rich and giving to the poor, but yet they do not work and support their selves.

I do not claim to be better than others. I try my hardest not to act better than anyone else. I do not live on a high horse. I do not try to pretend I did not come from what I came from. I remember who I was, who I am, and who I will someday hope to be.

It frustrates me to a point of anger sometimes. Being around and hearing people who act and talk like this. I cannot stand being downgraded and talked about by people who are like this. I dislike how people are two faced and pretend to be nice to you to get things they want or need for themselves but yet are constantly telling people how much they hate you and talk shit about you and your faults when they are doing worse things than what you have ever done or do.

Fear of Success

2010-07-27T16:44:00.000-04:00

Fear of Success

All too often many people ask for success and prepare for failure.

One of the ways we sabotage our success is procrastination. We talk about what we want to do, without writing out a plan, and without taking any steps in that direction.

Plans are good. They help us to focus, and to put our ideas in some semblance of order. Writing helps to make things real. But there is another way.

Now let’s say that you are not the plan writing type, but you have ideas that are "all" worth something. Maybe your ideas are healing, artistic, or maybe they’ll help folks in ways that you only dream about but don’t act on.

There are those who know "why", and those who know "how". Now, you may know "why" you wish to pursue a certain course, but you may need someone who knows "how" to help make your dreams come true, so that fear takes on another coat.

There is no use keeping all of your talents and potential to yourself. It wouldn’t be fair to you, the world or the purpose for which you were born.

Sometimes you just have to go out and make a few mistakes. It’s all right. Practice makes perfect remember?

Feel the fear, and do it anyway. You will never overcome the fear of success unless you take the first step. That is how your journey to success begins. The rest is a lot easier.

Maybe you feel that you’ve aimed too high and that it could not possibly happen. Aiming high is a good thing. If you reach for the sky, you just might touch the stars. In fact, you might even become a star.

Fear is a part of our Shadow Self and it should be faced and embraced. That is one good way to get in touch with your fear. To acknowledge it. To become one with it. To know that it is a part of you and it is not bad, just there. By doing this, you will have removed most of the energy of fear and failure. You would have transmuted it into something positive and productive.

"If at first you don‘t succeed, try and try again". How many times have you heard that statement? Too many to count, right? Well it is a true statement and should be taken to heart.

Take a moment to think on something. You may not remember when you took your first steps, but I’ll bet that when you fell, you just kept getting up … again - and again - and again. Then, you started running.

Well that’s the attitude that you must take as an adult. When you have a new attitude about your fears they just seem to vanish.

As a student of yoga, I was taught that what you fear you attract to yourself. Now, one does not want to attract failure, but success.

Stand in the sphere of possibilities and be as confident in that as you can be.

Just to share a little something with you, the first time I gave a lecture I was quite nervous. Even though I may have been afraid of speaking before an audience, I did it anyway. The more I spoke the better I became, and soon I was speaking before a hundred or more people. It felt good to embrace a new part of myself.

Yes, I felt the tremor in my gut, but I made it work for me. You can do the same.

Be encouraged. Be alive in the knowing of yourself. Be ready to take the plunge.

If you need to put an affirmation on your door and look at it every morning, then do that. Affirmations help tremendously.

Face your fear and be successful. Then you will begin to enjoy the "Sweet Smell of Success".

Self Injury Foundation Blog

2010-05-12T07:54:00.000-04:00

Self Injury Foundation Blog

Cognitive Restructuring.pdf (application/pdf Object)

2010-04-17T23:29:00.001-04:00

Cognitive Restructuring.pdf (application/pdf Object)

Cognitive Restructuring:
Employing a Positive Attitude and Helpful Thoughts
Negative thoughts or self-talk can inhibit our energies and keep us from taking steps to achieve our goals. Conversely, positive thoughts and self-talk can activate our energies and help us take steps toward our goals.
The following are a few simple strategies to help you develop helpful self-talk and positive attitudes toward the life situations you face. Although the strategies may seem simple, restructuring our thinking and attitudes is an on going process. So, be patient and easy on yourself as you go about refining the continuous dialogue of your mind.
I. Positive Affirmations1
It is easy to give yourself negative feedback. Instead, give yourself positive strokes and strengthen your self-esteem with positive affirmations, such as:
“Damn, I’m good.” and “I have confidence in myself.”
Here are some guidelines for creating positive affirmations that can work for you:
1. Phrase your affirmation in the present tense such as “I am a loveable person.”
2. Phrase your affirmation in the most positive way.
3. Make your affirmation simple, clear, and precise.
4. Choose an affirmation that feels right for you.
Now, create your own, or below are some examples that you might want to use for yourself. Positive affirmations should be somewhat short; something you can repeat to yourself in one breath. Repeat to yourself your positive affirmations many times throughout the day. Or make a tape recording of yourself speaking your positive affirmations and then listen to this “positive self-tape” each day.
• I am calm and relaxed
• My body is full of energy
• I radiate success
• I am one with the universe
• I am an important piece of the whole
• I am a beautiful human being
• I am a winner

II. Making Accurate Primary Appraisals
When you are feeling down it is easy to overgeneralize unhappy life events as being absolute and unchangeable. When this happens, force yourself to question your faulty thinking and make more accurate appraisals of the situation. Here are some examples to help you change faulty appraisals into more accurate revisions:
Self-blame
Inaccurate self:
Because I forgot this was a day I had planned to workout with some friends at the Recreation Center, I’m a bad person.
Accurate self:
Making a mistake is unfortunate, but it does not mean I am a bad person.
Irreversibility
Inaccurate self:
I am physically out of shape and will always be this way.
Accurate self:
I can learn a plan and ways to implement a plan to improve my physical fitness.
Overgeneralization
Inaccurate self:
Person A was mean to me. Nobody likes me.
Accurate self:
Person A was mean to me, but there are many people who like me.
Absolutism
Inaccurate self:
My life is worthless without my lost love.
Accurate self:
My lost love does not constitute my whole life.
Personalization
Inaccurate self:
My professor is mad because I scored low on the test.
Accurate self:
My professor is mad because the class as a whole scored low on the test.
Overreacting
Inaccurate self:
I binged on cookies today and didn’t follow my daily healthy eating plan. I have failed in my nutrition program.
Accurate self:
One day of not following my daily eating plan does not mean I have failed in my nutrition program.
III. Fine-Tune Your Expectations
It is believed to be easier to refine expectations prior to meeting a stressor in a particular life situation than to reframe a negative attitude or thought after the fact. If we go into situations with preconceived expectations or if we repeatedly find we are not meeting the goals that we set for ourselves, then we often generate negative feelings and thoughts around the situation. Fine-tuning our expectations or goals does not mean abandoning ideals or lowering self-esteem. Rather, fine-tuning expectations and goals means that we run them through a reality check, question how reasonable they are, and then, if needed, adjust them to better match the given situation.

IV. Seven Healthy Thoughts to Reduce Stress3
Thought #1: NOBODY’S PERFECT. NOT EVEN ME.
Thought #2: MY WAY IS ONE WAY.
Thought #3: GRAY IS SOMETIMES THE BEST COLOR.
Thought #4: THE SWOOSH PRINCIPLE: JUST DO IT.
Thought #5: A LITTLE WORRY GOES A LONG WAY.
Thought #6: I WILL SURVIVE, WHETHER YOU LIKE ME OR NOT.
Thought #7: ONLY ZEBRAS CANNOT CHANGE THEIR STRIPES.
V. Take Satisfaction in Your Accomplishments
At the end of each day, recall all the things you accomplished, no matter how small you think the accomplishment is. Maybe you made a new friend. Tried a new food. Completed you daily exercise goal. Finished your research paper (or several paragraphs of the rough draft!)
No need to waste time dwelling on your shortcomings. Feel good about what you did accomplish and accept the things you cannot change in yourself and others.
Give yourself a pat on the back. Say congratulations to yourself. Smile inside. Display any indicator of your accomplishment (e.g., put the excellent paper on the refrigerator). Write down your daily accomplishments and keep your accomplishment “resume” up to date.

Poems My Ex-Husband Wrote (Lies, Lies, Lies) The pain he caused me and our kids

2010-03-28T19:54:00.000-04:00

missing my shining light
as the darkness covers us as the moonlight peaks thru the darkness i close my eyes and see my shining lights my children
they are to my the flame of my heart as a flame is to a candle and at this moment in time my heart burns like a seven
day candle brighter and stronger as my childern are away from me.sometimes my mind drifts away at the thought my children
and how they lifted the clouds from my gloomy days .each of them daniel my twin in looks autumn my little movie partner
who can sing shine your light on me ,dakaota my little partner in crime and my baby winter rose who i miss so much!my
children are to me like fenway park is to the redsox they and i go hand and hand.each and every week they are the sliver
lining in our gloomy days !they may be gone at the moment but they will never always be gone and will remain with me
and my love for them shines brighter and stronger each day we are away from each other.thru out my days i hear and see
things that remind me of them when i see a redsox logo i think of jason varitek and how he is dans buddy!when i see
a fire truck i think of autumn and how are favorite movie together is ladder 49!when i see elmo i think of kota my
little man!when i cook ribs i think of my little girl eating them as she does with a cute bbq smile!as for my wife and
i we carry on in our tough time knowing our shining lights shine bright and long like a shooting star that only we can feel and see.
as for myself my children give my strength and courage just when i think darkness is settling in!the very thought of my
babies gives me the serenity to handle what comes and goes on a daily basis !so my dear children sleep sweet dreams as i
drift asleep thinking of you my shining lights!you are my light and and always be !and i promise you will be home as soon as
we can get you home!till then i will watch the midnight sky for my daimond light in the sky.
***************************************************************************
daniel
hello my son i miss you so very much !everyday i think of my son!yes you my little boy who looks just like his dad!
someday you and i will laugh and talk and you will ask me lots of things 1as i watch you grow you amaze me with your
candor and resemblence to me in so many ways!you are and always be my carbon copy blue eyes and blond hair!you are
so many things smart strong handsome and all the things that a dad like me would want when they think of a son like
you!and as you grow i wish so many things for you .i hope you keep your silly laugh like elmer fudd and you sense
of compassion when your mother is upset and you sense of loyality to your sisters and little brother.someday when
you are older we will laugh about youre younger days and how daddys memories of you are funny just like the day they
happened .you are so many things to me can seem to come up with all them right know !someday you will come to me
and say dad what should i do and i can only say i will try to give you the best advice i know and way the pro's
and cons of life you see.but thru it all i hope you remember one thing that you will see with your eyes and heart
as you get older and see the world and your life in your own eyes!someday i will be an old man and you will be where
i am as i write this to you.but always remember i love you and will always will and be there for you anytime any place
just as the song i heard shortly after holding you waiting will my arms wide open!
***************************************************************************
autumn
where does a father begin to describe a daughter like my "jelly belly".you are beautful and smart silly and full
of life.you are the wind that keeps my sails going.you are youre mothers twin and when you smile i see you in
your mothers face.you are my little drama queen who will be the star of the show when she puts her mind to achieve
something that you set out to do!you will always be one of daddys little girls !when god above gave me you two
girls he gave me the best gift a man could have two little girls to spoil and love.you are like youre name mysterious
and beautful as autumn sun rise and as precious as a twight sky filled with pinks and reds and breath taking for the
world to see!you are a daimond in the rough you see and will be a remarable lady for the world to see!but remember
when you get older that i will always be here for you no matter what and that i will always here you sing shine your
light on me!and every time we see a fire engine or firefighter you always look and say daddy there goes the fire man
daddy that's my buddy!and sometimes i hope you will be the best at what you do i know you will chase youre dream till
you catch your dream and fullfill it!till then jelly you just do one thing for me go on being daddys jell bell with
your smile and amazing blue eyes and silly smile for the whole world to see!
***************************************************************************
kota
like the infamous "rubber duck "you came to us like a convoy on the rails steaming for the line is how you
came to your mother and i .you are quite a little man smart kind always smiling and happy !i think of you
alot like the times you and i shared the couch and you layed in the crease of my arm and the thought of you
running to me with your hands out daddy!and playing with you as you drive the little white jeep.and how
you laugh as i tickle your belly !or when i carry you in my arms and you talk to me and laugh!i smile
when i think of seeing you on your tricycle and seeing you running and laughing while daddy chases you!
and when daddy gets sad i see the picture of you and i my big daddy kota!or seeing you in the tub laughing as
i watch you play and never wanting to get out!or seeing you say daddy cup when you get ready to fall asleep
in my arms as i rock you away to your sweet dreams!or blowing kisses to you my little man who loves to sit
with daddy and say hot daddy as i blow on your hand .or the thought of tickiling you with my beard and hearing
you laugh or hearing you say want some as i eat!i seem to be getting sad thinking of your little hands waking
me up and saying daddy!you will always be my main man kota!
***************************************************************************
winter
as the moon glows from the midnight sky my thoughts of you sleeping are not to far away from my heart and my mind
you see!you are my baby and i wish so many things for you as you grow and become older.you mean so many things to
me!you are my angel a gift from god who gives me hope and strength and courage!you are like youre name beautful
as winters first snow fall and as precious as the springs first rose vibrant and full of life and like a eagle
in flight for the world to see.someday you will look at me and say daddy look at me and when the moment comes
for you to spread your wings and fly i will shaed a tear knowing it will be happy tears seeing you suceed in
what ever you do!you are a very special little girl daddys gift from god!i will be sitting with you and remind
you how you climbed on the couch one night as an infant and grabbed my face saying da!but when you get older
and acomplish what you set out to do be the very best you can be and remember you will always be daddys little
girl and live life head on with no fears and with the strength and courage you showed me when you were a little
girl!but most of all never forget your mother and i will always love you where ever you go or what ever you dream
to be the sky is the limit and nothing but the very best will do for my little rose as she grows into the woman
she will be.and when the day comes and i walk you down the isle to see you get married i will shed a few tears
knowing where you and i came from to get to that place and cry only happy tears and thoughts for you to see!
***************************************************************************
thoughts of those i have lost
somedays are better than others and we all know that!sometimes we all lose someone special and it hurts for a while
and the constant missing of you all that i have lost sometimes bothers me to no end.sometimes i feel cheated when
i think of when you went to see the keeper of the stars!i wish sometimes i could have just five more minutes with
you to talk and to watch you see my children and see and hear you give me hell!i sometimes think i was robbed a few
precious months i sometimes wish you would have held on for a few more months to see a mini me!you always told me that
you wouldnt live to see another century but you did and as faith would have it as you checked out i was being coy
and stupid not thinking that my last words to you would be over the telephone something i wish i could have taken back
and come to see you more in your last few weeks instaed of being a horny toad.but all and all we had a good run from
the times when i was growing up and driving you crazy!from eating your strawberries in your patch when you forbid it!
to climbing the trelis and hearing you yell and saying iam will get you young man.to the thought of holding your
hand as i looked at the chief as he lay in state.not afraid of holding his hand and not knowing why but that he was
a great man who had his faults but in the end overcame them to see and be with his family.i still remember that last
call when you made me make you a promise not to keep my kids from my so called mother and you said young man what
ever will be will be about me but promise me you will let her see them for me and i reluctenly said yes and lived up to
the promise only to see it make us further apart.but i still think of you often and wish you could be here now with me
in my time of need .but as they say ashes to ashes dust to dust in the end you are up there with the chief and sometimes
i feel you with me !just a few thoughts to ponder for myself you see!
***************************************************************************
winter winds
as the winter chill is in the air i can feel a winter wind thru my bones on this moonlit evening.sometimes i think life
is like a winter sometimes the winds are fast and forceful sometimes the winter winds are calm at night!as for this
moment in time i feel as if my life is like a cyclone wind force at times and other times it is like a calming wind
on a spring day chilly yet warm enough to take the chill out of my bones.winter winds are the like the end of winter
like clouds off in the distance they move quick and roll out quick.but like life winds change direction and i hope
for sanitys sake that my winter winds will calm down and become warm stable winds as my life should be for my childrens sake.
gone are turblulant days of my wife and i fighting one another like prized fighters here are the days we should be rejoycing
one anothers company as we have a common goal to bring our children and raise them like we planned in the mid atlantic
city we now live in.
***************************************************************************
five years
as i sit and write the thought of my wife and it's fifth wedding anniversary comes to mind it has been one hell of a
ride .we have had are ups kids etc..and downs our seperation etc..but i do belive we were meant to be and in the end we will
be allright.i belive god has given us more strength than others to overcome what we have in our past and more strength in
our future.sometimes as i drift to sleep i have so many thoughts racing around my mind.sometimes i realize my wife feels
as if she is one of the many angles floating in my mind and my sometimes life that can sometimes resemble a storm at sea.
but when it comes down to it you are and will always be the love in my heart and soul even thou i dont sometimes admit it!
in first two were rough second rougher and hopefully the next few will get eaiser .sometimes when i am sleeping and caught
in my memories of choas i wake to see you next to me and realizing you are there does more than you will ever know.but most
of all iam proud of you and where we have come in five years and may we grow old and may our marriage age like a fine
wine and may me realize that you with out me or visa versa we made like that song we made it so far and in another five will have a decade
together and in the end our love remains strong and true.
***************************************************************************
crazy
sometimes i see you sometimes i dont but you are always on my mind.somtimes we laugh sometimes we argue but thru it all you are my
wife keeper of our lives and children.sometimes i dont give you credit and sometimes i do silently,when you need to here the
little words thanks or good job.i sometimes forget that you are very senstive and yurn for my attention and thoughts but
truthfully you are in ways you are unware of.true we have had ups and downs like a roller coaster but in the end we still
are here together.but i do worry about you very much and unable to show you the way you want.you arent crazt like i tease you.
but we will prevail and get our babys back home and go on in our crazy thing we share called life.
***************************************************************************
my tiger
when i think of my oldest son he is truly my eye of the tiger in life.he is strong and iron willed and shows me every
day that he is a tiger in the jungle we call life.only five years old he demonstrates courage and a fire within that i used
to have when i thought of my father who i havent seen in many moons.he has the strength of a hundred warriors within him
and i hope and pray i can teach him how to harness that power.he can be anything if he lets the fire burn within him and
drive him to suceed in life.i have until this very early morning have misunderstood him when i should have realized the
fire that burns within him.he has more guts that david when he faced golaith and more heart than a grizzly bear.his
loyality his one of his strongest points yet his knowledge of trust is limited like his mother and mine.he is our little
warrior and will be as brave as his scottish ancestors fighting for freedom.his passion is unkown at this very moment
but when he discovers it will be pure and true.thats why you will forver be my eye of the tiger!
***************************************************************************

a letter to my dad
hello stranger i write this knowing we may never meet but hope someday i will be wrong and this will be a letter you never got.
it has been what twenty something years since you last seen me .as i grew into what ihave become a father myself i swore
i never would let what happen to me to my children .but your ghost haunts me as i look in the mirror and at my son.he
has the curse of you like i do the look of maf .i sometimes wonder if the sun will ever shine on you and i in the same place in my lifetime.
its as if i am running against a ghost when i think of you.i wish things between you and my mother would have been alot different but be
it as it may i found your family and spent time with your mother and father and know what my mother ment when she said look in the mirror
and you will see what your father looked like.know i see you in my sons eyes and face like myself and it scares me that he
and i look like a ghost.i have and always wonder who you are and what you look like.so my friend you are like an old friend awaiting me in the dark
but someday soon we will resolve this matter but for know i will hope if you exist you are in health and spirts and hope
for a resoultion sometime soon.
*****************************************************************************************************************************

Facebook

2010-03-27T13:17:00.000-04:00

Facebook

Friendship Poems - Poems about Lost Friends - Losing A Piece Of My Soul by Jasmine Johnston

2010-03-23T08:33:00.000-04:00

Friendship Poems - Poems about Lost Friends - Losing A Piece Of My Soul by Jasmine Johnston: "Losing A Piece Of My Soul
by Jasmine Johnston
I came to you the hour I was in pain
Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain.

I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,
I knew then you'd be my friend,
I knew it from the start.

Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life,
You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife.

When home wasn't home to me no more,
You opened up your heart, and opened up the door.

We cried into night until the early morn.
We solaced each other's pain and shared our many thorns.

As time flew, the air grew thick,
I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick.

The day had arrived,
When it was time to say goodbye.

Now I sit alone,
reminiscing the past I'd blown."

Facebook | LeeAnn Musik

2010-03-23T08:18:00.000-04:00

Facebook | LeeAnn Musik

I will be alone again

2010-03-22T21:31:00.000-04:00

Seems everytime I allow someone into my life and I get close to them they leave. they disappear. I understand the reasoning for my friend moving but it has seemed since me moving in with her and becoming her roommate she has pretty much disappeared anyways, she has become distanced and has made me feel almost as if i did not exist. Now I feel as if I meant nothing to her. I am lost. I am losing the only friend I thought I had even if I lost her already by moving in with her I am truly losing her now. she is is moving away and leaving me here alone.

Tears Behind The Smile - A Journey Through Therapy

2010-03-20T23:54:00.000-04:00

Tears Behind The Smile - A Journey Through Therapy

Yesterdays ashes

2010-03-20T23:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterdays ashes

the diary of a survivor in the making

2010-03-20T23:50:00.000-04:00

the diary of a survivor in the making

Learning to Let Go of my Secrets: My Recent Realizations

2010-03-18T21:31:00.000-04:00

Learning to Let Go of my Secrets: My Recent Realizations

Experiences that are scary

2010-02-22T00:42:00.001-05:00

I try so hard to be as “normal” as I can be. I try hard to do what normal people do and be okay with doing those things but for some reason I cannot seem to be okay with any of that. I go sometimes with these normal things being normal then there are times such as last night when going to a hotel with a man that I have been with for more than a year and trying to be a normal woman and do what normal couples do send me into a panic such as I did last night.

I ended up sleeping in the other bed and having to push him away as i began to panic and could not breathe. my head was spinning and alls i could think about was getting away. I was married for 7 years and until the end when i no longer was sexually wanting to be near him even though we were married i had no issues such as this. towards the end like the last year there were many issues as i did not even sleep in the same room as him and it got to a point i had to lock myself in the room to avoid him from not listening to me when i said no. but after that relationship i was okay for a while and even for parts of this one i have been okay but here and there i go through this panic. how is it that my childhood abuse never effected me before any of this but yet 15 years later it is interfering in my life to a point that life seems hopeless and i feel i may never be able to experience life as a normal person does.

The way I feel right now, My hurt

2010-02-10T15:02:00.000-05:00

I just am feeling so lonely lately. I guess moving here with my friend seemed it was going to help me with my lonliness feelings but it is not. Part of the reasons I belive it has not helped is she pretty much never talks to me as she used to before the New Year. I am also seeing alot of double standards going on and feel my son and I are getting the short end of the deal living here. She had said it was going to be helpful to us and her and her son but it seems all is is doing is benefitting her and her child.

Her son is a good little boy but my son is also 8 years older and cannot be expected to entertain him or want to play games with him. My friend was warned and knew my son was set in his ways and just sits in front of his games and on a computer from the time he gets up or gets home from school until he goes to bed. But yet now she does not like it because her son wants to play the game with my son all the time and my son does not wan to play with her 7 year old. Her son also makes a big deal alot about wanting to use a game of my sons only to make her frustrated that my son does not want to let him and her son has plenty of his own games. But she makes manipulating comments to her son regarding my son such as "dont ever be like that" but yet she makes comments to my son such as "its okay" he will be playing on a big screen television soon and dont ask to play then. My son is also not allowed to eat anywhere in the house except the kitchen but her son can eat anywhere including the bedroom.

Then there is the cat that she has that my son is allergic to. She had said she would keep it out of the bedroom so he does not have problems but yet then she will find it at night and put it in the room so my son is around it when he is not supposed to. When she wants something done me and my son have been servants to her and at times her son. Somedays she sleeps most of the day but one day i slept all day as I am depressed and hating life and what does she do. She makes smart ass remarks about sleeping all day and the housework needs doing and things need to get done. But yet I feel as if I am the only one really doing any of the house work. My son cleans the boys bathroom and takes the trash out. Her son feeds the animals. She has done laundry this past week. But keeps claiming she will do the dishes and does nto. Then finally after 2 days of her not doing them I end up doing them. Then she says I was going to do them. I have been the only one sweeping the floors here and there.

She is using the excuse of her surgery and she is in pain but can go do what she wants when she wants. She sits in front of the television or video game a whole lot. I get ignored sitting here all the time and then she takes more pills then she was taking when the surgery first occured a month ago.

I am getting depressed and feel life will never get better. No matter how much I try to change my situations in life and think life will improve by me making the many different changes I make it does not improve. It seems the people who claim to be my friends only find ways of using me and taking advantage of my passivity and vulnerbilities. They also expect it after a while instead of appreciating it and treat me as trash. As it seems I am being treated the way her friend who she was in love with but the freind was not inlove with her back treated her. And she is blinded by it. She tells her son neevr to be selfish like my son is being but yet she is very much selfish and out for herself lately. She asks me to stop at the grocery store and get some cupcakes or soda or donuts but yet she expects it to be for her only or for her son only or just them but yet what about my child. I am getting really depressed.

I just wish I never believed and trusted her to be a friend as I am seeing more and more of her that I never saw before. Before when the girl she was in love with was around my friend was very sweet, caring, and understanding. Now she is self absorbed, acts as if i am nothing, well she actually is treating me the way her friend treated her and I am very much feeling hurt and used.

I have been wanting to cut lately but I cannot because I am living here in her home and she has a young child here and I never do it when my son was around so I sure will never jeopardize her son. But I just wish I could go for a drive up the mountain and sit there amongst the tall trees feeling the breeze and the coldness coming through the air. I wish I could be alone up there as I am alone here. Then I would be free to slice my skin and feel something rather than what I feel now. I want to feel the tingling and warmth of my wrist draining my blood from my veins. I want to not feel lonely, numb, used, hurt, ignored, misunderstood, and anger I am feeling inside. I need it to come out. I need it to pour from my skin and know it is draining out of my body. Even though I know it only works temporarily but I need it. I want it. I want to feel even and not so miserable, even if it will be just for a bit.

the thoughts i have at the moment

2010-01-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

My Life sucks lately but yet it seems outside is okay. I have a great friend who is here for me and is helping me out a lot. if i was home i would be cutting and probably have been in the hospital for an overdose or something. i then would lose my son as i Do not have custody of him even though he has lived with me for almost 5 months my family will never give him to me. So my friend does not realize how much she is helping me even if she thinks i am here helping her.

Her son is such a great little boy and kind of keeps me sane. He helps me remember the things i did with my kids before i lost them but also is a bright and very well behaved young man who i care for and do not want to hurt in anyway. this is part of the reason i can not hurt myself right now as he needs people in his life and it is unfair of me to hurt myself and not be around for him. He does not need people in and out of his life and it hurts me to see others do this to him. He does not deserve it.

My friend is a great friend. i just have a difficult time trusting her and the friendship as i am sure she has just as much a hard time with trusting me knowing my history with my mental health and losing my kids because of it. I appreciate her giving me a chance and accepting me knowing how fucked up my life has been and how much i have failed in my life. I am just not sure she realizes how much i am unstable and will always be as long as the void i have without my babies is not filled. It will never be filled as long as i have the chance of not seeing them. Yes when they turn 18 i have a chance of seeing them but will they want to see me. Will they want to know me and build a relationship?

Am i just wasting my time sitting here on this earth in my miserable feelings and these continuous hopeless thoughts? Are they really going to hate me and not want anything to do with me? Will they be better off if i died and never reentered their lives?

to who i thought was my best friend and not like everyone else in this world who has hurt me

2010-01-10T05:02:00.001-05:00

I guess I was wrong to allow you into my life and believe you were not like most other people and just out to hurt and decieve me. I guess i just needed a friend more than i wanted to go with my instinct and believe that you were different. i believed and trusted in you. i trusted what you said and believed that you were there in my life to give me a chance and see that i was not what you had preconceived me to be. well maybe i am the person you thought i was. maybe i am no good and never will be. maybe i tried too hard to be a good friend but was not good enough. maybe i never was good enough to be your friend and you pretended to be my friend to see how far you could bring me back down just like everyone else in my life. yes i have issues and problems but so do you and i am sorry if i do not fit into your world and in with all your people you hang with. i have tried my hardest to be there for you and help you in the best i can. i have tried to give you what i can even when that meant leaving myself without. i have tried to be that i can be for you and tried to be cared about, loved, and accepted. but i guess you only wanted me around to get what you could from me and then turn your back on me just like everyone else. I am sorry i do not fit into your lifestyle but i have accepted it and allow myself to be target by you and your friends. i have been the scapegoat for your humor and beliefs in what all you perceive my wall and image to be. i will never fit in and never have but i try to whereever i go even when that means violating my own values and allowing myself to be the scapegoat for others to use. well i can not allow myself to be brought down. i can not allow myself to be the target of your cruelty and hurt no more. this week has made me feel used. i was good enough for you to call in the morning when i was supposed to be giving you something you needed even when that meant leaving me with nothing and no where to do my laundry. but yet i have not been good enough for you to repsond to my need for an answer. i have not been good enough for you to respond to a text. i have not been good enough for anything this week and i am not sure why. i am not sure what happened and how so quickly you could turn your back on me when i have been here trying to help you. i tried the best i could to help you for christmas. when i could have bought my own son somehting more than i did. yes you told me that i did not need ot do it but i was trying to be a friend. now for some reason i am being lied to and decieved by both you and your "friend". why i are you trying to hurt me this way. is it something i said? is it something i did? did i not do enough? have i been too much? do you just need some space? do you not want me around? why are you doing this to me. yes i realize you have alot on your plate right now but it appears to me there is an outside too faced in the middle and i am not sure what i did so wrong to her but i do not like being talked about behind my back and i do not like being lied to. you all could just say we are not really wanting your company tonight rather than lying and pretending to go to bed and say good night to eachother after you just had a conversation in front of me about how you will all be up all night and will probably go out to breakfast before you both go to sleep. so why then lie to me and decieve me. well guess what neither of you are fooling anyone or lying to anyone except yourself. i am on to your games the both of you and i know that there is some reason behind all of this. if you both want to continue to try and use me and pretend to be my friend that is your choices but remember in the end you are the ones losing. cause alls i do is try to be a good friend and help out even when it means doing and doing for others and not doing for myself. i love you as a freind and thought i could trust you but i am not sure now that you have broken my trust wehetehr i will ever be able to believe a thing you say or trust anything any more. it seems you were just out to hurt me and see what you could get from. it does not seem you were ever really trying to be honest and a friend to me. I am sorry you have made me feel this way ut i do nto think i can face you much more day after day knowing the way i am being treated and decieved. go hurt someone else.

2010-01-02T17:29:00.001-05:00

So today there comes many questions to mind. Probably most of the unanswerable.thoughts race through my mind more and more as my depression progresses.

How do I know when it is time for me to let go? How do I let go when it is all I had to hang onto? What if they are satisfied with their lives and I am sitting here awaiting them only for them to be better without ever knowing me? Their lives are better and I hope they all have more than I could ever have even imagined giving them.

So then why if they are in a better place should I sit back and await their search for me when they are better without me? Why do I continue holdfing on when they do not need a crazy bitch like me back in their lives.

Why not just let go? How come I feel trapped in this life, trapped in this state, and trapped with the contingencies of waiting for something that may not happen or that may cause them more difficulties later in their lives

New year Starting out shitty and i want it to dissipate

2010-01-02T03:17:00.000-05:00

So here, it is the New Year 2010. It has already started out worse than last year began. I guess this could be a sign for the misery I will face this coming year. I am already actively depressed and wanting to just curl up and escape this thing, everyone calls LIFE.

Well what exactly is life supposed to be? I try hard to fill my time by going to school. Do I really believe that going to school will ever get me any closer to having a LIFE? NO! of course I do not believe it will help but at the moment it is all that is really keeping me stabilized and in check to the point where I do not hurt myself enough to end up in the hospital and unable for me to function in order to get my school work done. Yes, I have cut myself while taking classes and allowed it to keep me even enough for me to function enough to continue to go to school and get my class work done also. The cutting has helped me to get through.

Now my son is living here and I have not been using my cutting as a way to function and get by. Nevertheless, the cutting is going to be needed soon as I am falling and do not feel myself getting out of this. Yes there are times when I get out of it temporarily when I am around people and unable to think too much. However, when I am alone I realize all that is happening in my life as my life begins crumbling and is getting close to crashing I end up thinking about the only escape I know. My escape is my cutting but even those thoughts are getting too much and I am starting to just want to give up and say fuck everything. Fuck my so-called life and all that it entails. I want just to get out of this. I just want to get away and never have to deal or think about the pain and suffering I have put my kids and people in my life. I just wish that people would understand how much better life would be in they had never met me or if I had already succeeded in my demise.

This new year has already bothered me enough that I am seriously just wanting for my son to go with my mother so I then could have a final straw to give into my thoughts and desires to kill myself and take away all that others so call like in me. I do not see or understand what others like in me, as there is really nothing about me that is good. They say I am pretty but I am not they just say that to try to make me feel better when in actuality I am a low life nasty looking bitch. They say I have a good personality but do I really. What kind of person like me has a good personality if they are fine one minute and then just wanting to be alone and not be bothered so I can self-destruct? How can I make people understand I am no good and they do not really want me around? I am useless and everything I do ends up being fucked up or I fail at things. How do I make people understand that I am a problem and my depression and self-destruction is too much for others? How do I make them realize that they do not need me around, as I will only cause them stress as they worry what I may do to myself?

To be honest someday I will end up killing myself through suicide whether it be accidentally because I am hurting and just want the pain and misery to go away or I will plan and succeed it. I someday will succeed at the one thing in my life that will complete me and take away all the shit others endure from me being around. I hope my death will come sooner than later but time will only tell. I can only hope that my time is ending and all this dissipates as I dying at my own hands. I want to die. I am sick of crying and sick of trying. I just want my life to end.

12 Things I Learned from My Therapist | World of Psychology

2010-01-01T02:08:00.001-05:00

12 Things I Learned from My Therapist | World of Psychology

I’ve spent more time in therapy than I care to think about. More hours on that bloody couch than I’ve spent in the shower, brushing my teeth, or on the phone with telemarketers, because let’s face it, when I’m home, there really are no decision makers at my house. If I calculate one hour a week for 12 years, that’s 600 hours, which is 25 DAYS. What do I have to show for it? Lots of wisdom and advice. Journals and journals of it. But for your sake, I’ll just list 12. And after you get done reading my shrink insights, I want you to tell me yours, because I’m compiling such pearls for a writing project.

1. Know your triggers.

From the first year of therapy: know your triggers. If a conversation about global warming, consumerism, or the trash crisis in the U.S. is overwhelming you, simply excuse yourself. If you’re noise-sensitive and the scene at Toys-R-Us makes you want to throw whistling Elmo and his buddies across the store, tell your kids you need a time-out. (Bring along your husband or a friend so you can leave them safely, if need be.) For me it’s best if I don’t hang out in a bar with a crowd of drinkers, you know, if I don’t want to drink myself.

2. Count to four.

I can’t remember if I learned this pearl in therapy or in first grade. All I know is that breathing is the foundation of sanity, because it is the way we provide our brain and every other vital organ in our body with the oxygen needed for us to survive. Breathing also eliminates toxins from our systems.

Years ago, I learned the “Four Square” method of breathing to reduce anxiety:

•Breathe in slowly to a count of four. 
•Hold the breath for a count of four. 
•Exhale slowly through pursed lips to a count of four. 
•Rest for a count of four (without taking any breaths). 
•Take two normal breaths. 
•Start over again with number one.
3. Hunt down unrealistic expectations.

Yep, I identify those bad boys every week. I record them on a sheet of paper or (on a good day) in my head and then revise them about 2,035 times during the day. Cataloged are things like: “penning a New York Times bestseller in my half-hour of free time in the evening,” “being homeroom mom to 31 kids and chaperoning every field trip,” and “training for a triathlon with a busted hip.” Listing the more realistic possibilities of actions I can take to inch toward my broad goals (being a good mom, an adequate blogger, and a healthy person) can be extremely liberating.

4. Celebrate your mistakes.

Alright, celebrate is an awfully strong word. Start, then, with accept your mistakes. But I do think each big blunder deserves a round of toasts. Because almost all of them teach us precious, rare lessons that can’t be acquired by success. Nope, the embarrassment, humiliation, self-disgust … all those are tools with which to unearth the gold. Just like Leonard Cohen writes in his song, “Anthem” that a friend of mine tapes to his computer as a reminder to ignore the perfectionist in him:

Ring the bells that still can ring,
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That’s how the light gets in.

5. Add some color.

My therapist often points out that I am color blind. I see the world in black and white. Example: either I am the best blogger in the entire blogosphere or I should throw my iMac into the Chesapeake Bay and become a water taxi driver. Either I am the most involved mom in David’s school or I am a slacker parent who should let a more capable mom adopt her son. Does this kind of thinking sound familiar? In order to get a pair of glasses on my inner zebra, then, my therapist helps me add a few hues to every relationship, event, and goal so that I become a tad more tolerant of life’s messiness, unresolved issues, and complicated situations that can’t be neatly boxed up.

6. Believe in redemption.

Redemption is an odd thing. Because identifying the broken places in your heart and in your life can be one of the scariest exercises you ever do, and yet only then can you recognize the grace that comes buried with every hole. If the journey to the Black Hole of despair and back has taught me anything, it’s this: everything is made whole in time … if you can just hang on to the faith, hope, and love in the people and places around you long enough to see the sun rise yourself. Absolutely nothing is forsaken, not even those relationships and memories and persons that you think are lost forever. Most things are made right in time. So you don’t always have to get it right on the first try.

7. Compare and despair.

The last thing you should do when you’re stressed–which I always do when I’m stressed–is start looking around at other people’s package (job, family support, balanced brain) and pine for some of that. I grow especially jealous of non-addict friends who can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or those with moms nearby that offer to take the kids for sleepovers. But I don’t have all the information. The mom who takes the kids for the night might also have an opinion for every piece of furniture in your house and her own spare key to your home so she can pop in whenever. So comparing my insides to someone else’s outsides is a fruitless and dangerous game to play, especially when I’m stressed.

8. Learn how to recharge.

Many folks know how to have fun and recharge their batteries. Mentally-ill addicts like myself have to learn this from scratch. With the help of their therapist. After some experimentation I know that spending quiet time by the water (kayaking, running, biking in warmer months), reading spiritual literature, and watching a movie with a friend are all ways that will nurture me so that I can better tolerate stress.

9. Team up.

Think of the buddy system from Boy Scouts. Teaming up with someone means that you have to be accountable. You have to report to someone. Which brings down your percentage of cheating by 60 percent, or something like that. Especially if you’re a people-pleaser like me. You want to be good, and get an A, so make sure someone is passing out such reviews.

Also, there is power in numbers, which is why the pairing system is used in many different capacities today: in the workplace, to insure quality control and promote better morale; in twelve-step groups to foster support and mentorship; in exercise programs to get your butt outside on a dark, wintry morning when you’d rather enjoy coffee and sweet rolls with your walking partner.

10. Categorize your problems.

My therapist is an organizer, so she likes to sort my problems into categories. The effect is fascinating: you feel like you have less of them. When we agree to tackle a class of problems—say “boundaries issues”—then a few tweaks here or there can be applied to a variety of situations. I don’t have to spent time with each hiccup along the way.

11. Make a self-esteem file and read it.

It was my therapist who first told me to ask some friends to list some positive qualities about me, and to keep those lists in a folder that I could read when my self-esteem was below sea-level. Today that folder is the first thing I’d grab in a fire (alright, after the kids). It serves as my security blanket on many afternoons.

12. Look backwards.

Another great exercise my therapist taught me is to look backwards and cull from my past the strengths I used in certain situations. This means that on the afternoons my depressed brain believes death is preferable to life, I say to myself something like: “Self, you have been sober for 20 years!! Weaklings can’t pull off a stunt like that. You’ve got the right stuff, girlfriend. Just hold on.” (The soundtrack to “Rocky” is playing in the background, of course.)

What have you learned?

The last feelings and thoughts of 2009

2009-12-31T23:58:00.000-05:00

Well here, it is the end of 2009. The beginning of a new decade is going to start in approximately 30 minutes. As the end of this decade, ends there are many regrets I sit here thinking about within. Today as my mom drove away from her visit here, I wanted to go home with her. I wanted just for someone to want me around and for me to feel truly loved by my family but instead I felt the same as I always have. 

I felt unloved and not wanted. I felt I did not matter. Then as I began, thinking about this last year of the decade I remembered how close I came to the end of my life at my own hands. I realized how even when all is going well I still feel empty. I have no one in my life who has ever really just wanted me for who I am no matter who that may be or what I may do. I never really have been accepted unless someone needed something or wanted something from me. Then when they were done with me, I did not matter anymore.

I lost a friend that I really tried hard to keep. She was a good friend for the most part but we all have faults and some of the issues I had with our friendship I allowed to get too far and began to resent the friendship rather than openly talking and working on the things that were too much for me. Well that friendship ended and a new one began. Well I thought two new ones began. but I feel as if I need to just be too myself as much as they are great people and I have no issues with them currently they are just 2 good of people to be around me and my miserable world. 

They deserve better friendship than what I will ever be able to give them and they do not need any more distress from me in their lives. I know I sometimes am too much and my hopelessness and despair is frustrating for others. So then, why do I continue to express these things to others rather than just keep them inside? I never can really keep good friends around as these things interfere in the relationship or becomes too much for people who I thought were my friends to handle and understand truly.

My mother and sister left today and I cried as they drove away. I cried because I feel as if I will never be truly, honestly loved by anyone. My family never loved me but they continue to control my life for the most part. I let my life be controlled by others and by my misery. I never will be able to obtain an achievable desired level of happiness within myself to be able to enjoy life and face it as others do. I just want it all to stop and for my life to normalize enough for me to be happy and satisfied with what I have, what I can give, and how I survive.

I want to help others without fucking things up more for them. It seems every time I try to help someone and do as much as I can they end up in a worse situation than they were in before I bothered. So then, why do I bother? Why do I keep thinking I can help and make things better for others? Why is it I think I can do any good for anyone when I have always done nothing but failed?

update

2009-12-06T23:53:00.000-05:00

Recently I been having a lot of life changes including losing a friend I had been having difficulties with but yet was unable to be assertive enough and stick up for myself with her because I was afraid to lose her as I did not really have any local friends that were healthy for me mentally. Well now, that friendship is gone. However, I have gained new friends and I think that was part of losing the old one, as she may have been jealous since I was not spending all my time with her. Nevertheless, anyways my new friends have been great. They have helped me emotionally and allow me someone to vent to. It is difficult though since many of the issues I am having are with people who also are their friends and my family. Therefore, it is difficult for my new friends to really comment because they do not want to be in the middle of family issues or drama. I hate being involved with drama and feel it is complicating and overly distressing to be involved in. I try to be a good friend to people and try to help whoever I can but it is difficult since the person I try to help just uses me in my opinion but because they married into the family I feel obligated to help and help and help even when it seems they do not appreciate anything I do and only want to cause trouble and drama. I hate my situation right now but feel my hands are tied. I feel as if I am going to break down but I am trying to stay strong and just deal with the shit because the person is young and needs a chance to grow up on her own but I feel she acts entitled to my kindness and does not really care how her actions affect me. Therefore, why do I continue to allow this I am not sure but I feel it is coming to a breaking point? When I lose my new friends over this, I know I will snap. I also cannot stand feeling trapped and unable to say anything to get support and that is how I feel lately because I am not sure who I can trust and who is really out to hurt me and bring me down. Sending me right into the hospital and lose my son forever. Well this is what is happening most recently. Feedback is welcome as I am looking for some help and suggestions.

Swag bucks please join

2009-08-21T13:35:00.000-04:00

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Life shows up so often

2009-08-07T13:05:00.000-04:00

Last week my carefully planned suicide failed. I am not sure how carefully planned it really was as although I had researched it for weeks and waited until my son left on his trip to massachusettes I only took half the pills I had planned on taken and got high on crack cocaine right before taking them and then although I had planned on cutting my wrist straight up the vein I ended up cutting it on a diagonal. Alls it did was end me up in ICU for 4 days and with 27 staples and 11 stitches in my wrist. It did do some damage to my nerves as my hand is stillnumb halfway through it and i have achy pain near the side where the vein got cut. It also left me with a bunch of days unable to tell you about as their is no memerories from them including the many conversations I had at the hospital. I did manage to stay out of the psychiatric unit although then felt I needed to be in one since I left ICU. I had therapy monday after being discharged from ICU friday and not sure it was very productive or much of it was set in as in my mind I still planned on finishing myself off. I met with my ehs mental health support worker and then decided yesterday after have a major emotionally traumatizing fight with my now ex boyfriend as we broke up I decided that I needed help. I went and tried to get into crisis stabilization and was turned down as I have been there too many times in the past 3 years and have had many problems while in the program so therefore they denied me the service. Instead I am on a crisis plan which just entails that I will still see my therapist which at this point is weekley but had been biweekley and I will also meet withy the crisis coordnator who at one time was my case manager a few times over the next few weeks to try and get myself and my life back on track before classes begin August 24th. School will also give me soemthing more to do once it starts although it in the past has helped keep me somewhat stable I still have not been able to completely organize keep focused keep up or stay stable throughout the whol semester which will end in december so we will see and alls I can do is try for now. I still have the option of killing myself if none of this helps and even if it helps temporarily killing myself is still an option.

going through some emotions

2009-07-16T02:55:00.000-04:00

My son had his first dte today and when he first asked the girl who was my neighbors daughter I was excited. My son is 14 1/2 years old and not a very outgoing boy as he hasnever been a real socialite. But once he gets to know you he is very friendly and social but not unti feeling comortable. He is not a teenager as there is out there today. He is not criminalized. He is a quiet respectable boy. My son opened the car door for this girl then she went around the other side of the car and said she was going to get in on the other side. Then he bought her supper. Yes mcdonalds but it was with his money he worked for and saved to ake her out and that is where she said she wanted to go. Then he went to the movies and watched th Hanna Montana movie because she wanted to. He did everything a young respectfl boy should do and she is nothing but a slimy loser. Later this evening when she got back hours late he invited her up to sit by the fire. she came up here and brought 2 friends only to leave him by the fire alone and hang on my porch with her friends. He looked so sad ad lonely sitting thee by the fire. I came in the house ater he announcing He is not her type because he is not "GHETTO" or "REDNECK" enough. He is too nice she said. She also said he is too young as she will not date anyone younger than 18 becauseit makes her feel like a child and as if she is molesting them. Well my son is not into sex yet ad as this is his first interest in girls and all that sort of thng and I felt so bad when she rejected him the way she did and is still sitting out there and heis still out there by the fire. I came in and cried as I fel somewhat as if it is mine and my mothers fault for being overly protective and sheler him throughout his life to protect him from being like what society portrays teenagers to be. My son is not the typical teenager and I am glad he is not but in a way I feel like because he has been moved alot and that sort he has not been able to socialize and learn to be social which is somewhat damaging as he is cautious who he hangs and opens up to. I am not sure I am sure alot of the tears is more about me and the experience of being unwanted, not good enough, and never belonging and fitting in. Ii am sure that is where alot of my tears came from is my own feelings about rejection and reexperiencing what I have felt as always being not good enough for anyone. But I am feeling sad right now for him and somewhat angry with her, myself, and my mother for doing this to him.

update lately

2009-07-14T23:50:00.000-04:00

Well I guess things have been pretty good lately even if they have been rough. I have not been in the hospital this whole year. Although I cut recently it had been about a month or so since I had last done it until this morning. Although I think it was more about wanting to do it and missing the relief from it more than anything. I had been thinking about it recently but not obsessing over as I have in the past.
Last night I had a very rough night sleep wise as I was tossing and turning throughout the whole night. I was unable to sleep restfully and was back and forth from couch, bed, and to the floor and back all night. At one point I was having some traumatizing dreams about the past as I was a teenager and ended up screamign and yelling in my sleep. Pete said all a sudden I was yelling then sat up from the floor saying just leave me alone and he asked me what the fuck was wrong with me only for me to lay back down and go back to sleep. So althpugh I do not remember waking up or sitting up I did remember somewhat of what was happening in my dream somewhat but not really much now as I have been up since about 6 am this mornign and the memory has faded throughout the day today.
Yes maybe this contributed to my acting upon my urge for some relief through cutting I do not believe that it was that. Since cuttign this morning I had been relieved and pretty calm for most of the day and even as I sat in DBT group today I had been emotionally feeling well today after the cutting this morning. DBT has been going better for me and I have been able to talk somewhat today during group and not just talk about everything else but actually talk about some things going on for me in my life. I think therapy as hard as it has been for me and the trust has not been there although does appear here and there, therapy appears to be progressing. I have been actually facing some things and have lied at times recently to her inorder to prevent her from screwing my future plans up.
My plans did get side tracked and things have been on hold as finaces had not been there for supplies but things have been picking up and life seems to be going for the most part better. I have bought a car and now I plan on cruising for a while as I feel so free and not as trapped as I had been realizing I was and feeling.
My birthday is friday and although I am turnign 30 to me it is no big deal and just another day in my life that I will have to face some of my regrets in my life. My son is here and he will be going on a date with my neighbors daughter. He is 14 and she is 15. I was shocked and very excited for him but as the days get closer I am not liking the idea much as he is all I have left to live for right now and I am not ready to give that up or let go of his needing me.He leaves next Wednesday for a month long trip to massachusettes for some time with my mom as she has raised him his whole life until a year ago. Then he will be starting highschool when he gets back which is also scary to me as I am young and not ready for alot of things in my life. but they need to be done and I need to deal with them. actually face something that may emotionally effect me headon instead of running and avoiding and escaping the emotions.

sent 2 my therapst as i hope she will stop being concerned and ease up as its making it difficult 2 get what i need 2 acheive what i desire

2009-07-06T03:07:00.003-04:00

Well be frustrated or be upset with me it is alright. I know when you try so hard to help someone and they cannot will not or choose not to accept it how frustrating and angering it may be. I am sorry I know I should never have manipulated you into giving me that card number and I am sorry but I do want to say you have been helpful in many ways and I just have difficulties accepting what is and that I cannot and never will be able to be who I was when I had my children with me and who I want t to be as I will never and can never be normal. I will never be the perfect American family living the American dream. I am sorry I have been willful and even when I take steps to try and do something that is best for me since I will be on the street with nowhere to live soon I wait every day to find that eviction notice on my door and I wanted to save that money so I would be able to have somewhere to go but I blew it all. I bought a car this weekend and yes I know you had the card but I moneygramed the money to the person and there is now only 33 dollars left so ohwell thank you for trying. I did not buy any pills again as I fucked that up by blowing my money on the car that legally I should not be driving right now as I have not registered it and the plates on it are not mine they are the person I bought it from but it does got a new sticker on it and it drives nice. It is a small little car and it will do me somewhat good as I will now have a place to sleep when I do get evicted. Next month’s check I will change everything over to my name and then hopefully I will not feel as stressed about it but after I did it I was upset for a bit as now I will not be able to order my pills I needed. I did however order that lidocaine which ended up being 50 dollars and I will probably never get it as I know it was mailed and there has been a lot of seizures of out of country packages because of prescriptions. But needless to say if I get it I get it if not I do nt. I dropped my classes at cvcc but am thinking of resigning up for them as obviously I am not going to be dead before then so I need to do something with my life I am however signed up for 2 online classes through 2 other Virginia community classes currently but really need to cancel those ones as I do not have the money for them. I have gone to visit my son today and drove by Dakoata house which I got excited as he had a 2 wheeler outside with training wheels so my little man is growing and getting bigger. He is riding a bike. It made me happy. Then I walked around Kroger for no reason and dollar tree and drove around Rustburg it felt good to have some freedom and get out. I cried a lot Friday night and Saturday night as Pete and I have been somewhat arguing and he told me there has been a few times he has just wanted to walk away and never come back but he cares about me and knows I will hurt myself if he does. I told him I am not real good with relationships and am not used to a normal female male relationship but that I do not just hurt myself because of stuff like that I hurt myself because it is how I cope and a year ago I may have done that but at this moment I would sure not do it if he wanted nothing to do with me. I told him he was not worth it but yet I have wanted to do it so much this weekend just drive away from here and cut but have not I am going to show you all that I do not need to do that just because I hurt emotionally. So I told him he needed to stop the mind games and if he wants to go go now do not stay because you do not want me to hurt myself as it will be worse a year from now I told him if he wants to go and he wants me to leave him be just say so but yet then he says your still pretty and wants to play sexually as I feel like lately this is how it has been a little game ever since I gave in and gave him what he wanted. The many times I tell him no I do not want to and he tells me no means yes when it comes to me I sometimes feel like that’s what I deserve just to be someone’s whore and treated as if I am just good for that but yet other times it angers me feeling as if that is all that is wanted out of me and that is all that is good about me and that is all people want from me. I don’t know I am such a complicated person and my mind is very conflicted it is difficult for me to live with it and figure it out so I know it must be more difficult for others to figure it out. I can go without sex but yet it is what a relationship is based on and without it you are not wanted or good enough to people so I feel it is an obligation but yet then want it to be taken as so I do not have to feel like I gave it up and am just as I was years ago. I have difficulties with it a lot especially now that it involves the person I am with as he is much older and some specific features of his reminds me of my mother’s ex but I am able to fade out of for some time. So it’s alright. Sometimes I wish I did not I wish I experienced the whole thing and could somehow take control and stop it since I did not when I was younger but I still don’t even when I am experiencing it fully and want not to be doing it or be involved. Sometimes it is hard to fade away from it. But it’s alright I don’t care. It seems I don’t care much about anything anymore but I will say since driving around I have felt less anxiety although maybe the few xanex I have been taken recently has helped that somewhat but also I think I am not as feel as if I have to depend on others and that I am trapped as I can just drive out for no reason and drive around amously. And then I really felt good after seeing that bike toady with the little training wheels. It made me feel good. I did email the social worker last week after going to chat with Connie and she did never respond so not sure what’s up maybe she is sick of hearing from me or maybe she had no answers or maybe she found out she was not supposed or I don’t know but she is supposed to be having a baby soon Connie said so I was inquiry as to whether she would be back and if Daniels worker will change and stuff like that but she never did respond do I do not know. Anyways I cleaned Corey’s room for him but yet cannot clean my own house and do not even weed the garden. I am depressed and things have been up and down for some time now but right now I such feel numb not really sad as I cried off and on for a few hours Saturday and been alright with the one thought of driving the car to the mountain just to cut so no one would know about it but decided not to that just cause I was sad and hurt it does not mean I need to hurt myself physically so I have not done it. I think I am alright for now even if I slack on real life such as laundry showering cleaning cooking and shit like that. Well thanks for trying and I am sorry I have fucked it up again. I do try even if it seems I do not and I have not been on the computer that much this weekend and have not been in that chat that I had been for the past 6 weeks so it may be helping as I am not reading and writing so much negativity. I might not be there this week as I have court Tuesday which I really do not want to go I would rather it just to be over with since they have moved but have to go so I do not get issued a warrant for failure to appear after a subpoena had been delivered. And I really not sure about therapy as it is difficult to sit face to face with you. It just feels to vulnerable and you know too much I think and I am not sure I want to expose any more of my fucked up self as I am really not a worthwhile human you should be wasting your time on. I am disgusting and I feel ashamed of something’s I have been involved in in my life and it is difficult to face you one to one after telling you some of the things I told you but yet seems I need therapy and the system as that is why I have survived so long. I have survived because of the system if it had not been here and I had not stayed involved I can almost say with a certain I would have been dead. Maybe I just need another therapist someone who does not know all that nasty stuff and someone who only knows the surface stuff of me such as diagnosis and treatment without going further into reason and cause. I am not sure I am just feeling anxious about being in therapy with you now. I am afraid to face you and of what you really think not just what you tell me and the therapeutic response to what I told you but real thoughts about how nasty and disgusting I am and have been my whole life. I have to go before I let this go to my head obsessively.

another letter to my therapist july 1st

2009-07-06T03:06:00.000-04:00

Well I just got in from watering the garden as I had not watered it since I flooded it Saturday night by leaving the water running and forgetting it for at least 5 hours. So that is done. While watering the garden I began to realize that I continue to tell you and everyone else that I do nothing when in fact I do do things. I water the garden yeah maybe I do not weed it and do not take care of it as I should but at least I am doing that. Then I also cleaned the living room Monday evening and fed the chickens sometime this weekend but they need more food as I saw their containers both water and food empty. I also have cooked a few meals the past week and brought it to the neighbors and Pete. For some reason I have no motivation to cook for myself but will eat if it is cooked for me or if I cook for someone else or others. I did shower about 20 times in the past week as it seems that is all I really have been doing a whole lot of besides interacting online although Monday I walked down to social services and applied for cooling assistance which I probably will get denied for since I have been keeping my bills up although have not paid my rent in months. This house had really gotten bad throughout here and there the past few months and I cannot get rid of the fucking bugs and I hate it here. I have socialized with the neighbors both the “normal” and the abnormal neighbors although it has brief but frequent interactions since I cannot be with myself a whole lot although seem to be having difficulties being away from home recently. I did go over Tracy’s for a bit sometime last week but it got too much with the kids and being around people I guess. I think I have been insecure lately but yet social but keeping distance and avoiding and real in-depth interaction with people although I have felt sort of distanced from the world but yet seem to be somewhat at peace with that recently. My need for socialness is being hindered by my desire to distance humans I believe. But any ways I have been doing anything even if I constantly am telling you and everyone else I do nothing and even if it is not what I should be doing of what I would like to be doing or what I expect myself to be doing I am at least doing them. Well guess I am going to try to lay back down as I have done that a few times and have had my stupid guided crap on all night and had been unable to fall asleep as my mind has been racing and a constant merry go around I have been unable to fall asleep even though my body is falling and needs rest my brain is not shutting down enough to relax. Hopefully all this has helped although after the first email I tried to sleep and could not so I water the garden and now I sit here again which I need to try and sleep as I know this does not help me emotionally stabilize when I am not sleeping as I should I end up emotionally out of whack even when nothing is happening emotionally it makes me more vulnerable and I hate vulnerability but yet cannot prevent it when I am not taking care of my physical needs such as eating and sleeping. I have taken myself off coffee for the past 2 weeks although that is not helping either I thought it might help stabilize some of my sleep but no. anyways bye

email to my therapist july 1

2009-07-06T03:05:00.000-04:00

I know I asked you to keep the card and I know I need to save the money to move soon. I realize and appreciate your care and concern and know that by obsessing and focusing the amount of time I have been on suicide forums it does not help. But I also know that it is an escape for me and a way for me to avoid the real feelings and emotions that I go through at times. I am sorry that it is difficult for me to express my fear, shame, hurt, and sadness without trying to use it as an excuse to quit. I have a hard time not giving up. I have been fighting my inner self for many years and although there has been many times when I begin to face some of the core issues I have always done what I am doing lately in order to give up and avoid facing what needs to face. You have been very patient with me and I need to try to accept what you have been doing for me over these soon to be 3 years and begin working with you instead of fighting against. I know logically and in my rational mind and quite possibly in my wise mind that I should not fear you and that you are not going to hurt me and I can trust you but for some reason that trust gets to a point and I allow myself to be distrusting and distance myself from you and my treatment. I know you care but do you really. I mean really it is your job so why would I fully believe that I matter rather than the reason you have not said I am a lost cause and go ahead kill yourself is because of ethics and internal beliefs that come along with the job of working in a system as you do. Well anyways this not to say anything except I am letting you know that although suicide crosses my mind a lot and I use it to avoid facing things and it helps a lot to avoid things it actually has been a distraction for me for many years and even when I do not fully put any effort into the thinking and planning of it when distress becomes my reality suicide becomes my life. I am sorry that I have been dishonest about the drugs and I have difficulties trusting you enough to face you and work through things that needs facing but sometimes I think I can do it and begin and then run from it instead of keep going and that is not what I need to be doing and as much as I know this in my rational mind my emotional mind is what I live off more than I should. I know I know the terms and all but I really do not use any of it as I believe the pain must be exposed and not just blocked and dbt believes to live in the moment there is nothing that can be done to change the past so why allow it to be your reality. Well reality is that my past represents how I became who I am and if it was not for my past I may not have the present I have so why would I want to use dbt to to distract and continue avoiding this shit that tears me apart and has allowed my reality to be obstructed. If I was not molested as I child I may not have been as cautious and protective with my children as I was but I may not have allowed him to beat me down believing he was not doing anything even know what I saw got me into the mode of the fear something was happening even if I could not prove it. Now what also happens if I fed that shit into her head by constantly being suspicious of his every action towards her and arguing with him about whether or not he was a diddler and shit like that. Yes I never gave her any details or anything but there was many times I accused him and flipped out in front of her and the rest of the kids because of the uncomfortable things that I witnessed but yet I did nothing about. So how is it I need to lforgive myself for that when I am not even sure if I am the cause of it. Also when he had that sexual psychological profile done and it came back that he was not interested in her age group or young children but at the end of the report it stated that although prepubescent children was not his interest many times and adult parent will violate the child to get back at the other parent. I made him that angry at me that he would hurt and violate my little girl. The little girl he was so protective of and always suspicious of others around and never wanted anything to happen to her. I am not sure of the reality of any of that just like the reality of me being in a situation that was not my fault. Well I have so reality for you yes maybe Stephen came onto me the first time but I never tried to stop it it felt good even if there was many nights I did not want to be bothered I still layed there waiting for him like he told me to. When he said to go to bed with no clothes on I went. There was many nights where I was awake and pretended to be asleep and there were many times towards the end when I got sick of it but I still kept doing it. That is how it is sometimes now. I am dysfunctional when it comes to sexual relationships as I want somehow for it to be not my decision and I tend to just do it just for the pleasure of the man. But lately a lot has been happening as Pete has not been one to be all about himself when it comes to sex and I for one am not used to that and for two do not like it. I want a man to just do what he wants and get it over with then go about your business and yeah that is not in reality what a relationship healthy anyways entails but I cannot cope with the performance he expects although what kind of of person am I really to act as I was when I was back then and seduce men that really I hardly know and back then I did not know any of them mind you Corey has no father and all these years I will say it is probably shames but in reality he is probably one of the many guys I would expose my body to while roaming the town and end up having sex with behind bushes or wherever else we happened to land. I was a whore a slut and lately I have gone through this whole thing with Pete telling him that is what I am and why not treat me like that but yet when all this shit happens I feel disgusting and want to hide. He won’t leave me alone though he has grown feelings for me where I do not believe I am capable of having healthy feelings for a man. I actually pick arguments with them when many of the things are minimal or I should not care about but I will pick an argument expecting him to walk away and not come back of do something to me physically hurt me like I deserve. I am not sure like when this stuff is going on it is like autopilot it seems I am aware of it I witness it I in my mind can acknowledge to myself this is wrong I should not be doing this stuff but yet seem to not be the one in control of the actions and what comes out of my mouth and although I will tell myself I need to stop doing this stuff it feels I am incapable of controlling it and as if something else controls it the same way my automatic thinking about suicide. I hardly think about cutting as a release and a way to cope anymore. I mean I think about cutting but I am much more able to tell myself that does not help but unless I cut deep but yet I am not worth wasting my energy on to do that even anymore instead I change my thinking to suicide. I am not going to kill myself I just have been trying to give myself that security so that it does not take my life over as it has been lately. If I have the means I will not need to plan anymore and won’t have to dedicate my every waking hour of thought on how to keep it from people how to make people think everything is all right and nothing is going on and everything is getting better. I will have the answer for my pain readily available and will be able to focus more on the moment and what I am experiencing and how to get myself out of what I have put myself into and how to refocus myself and go back to school. And what I really want from life and the future. I know it is difficult for you to grasp some of this as maybe you have not been in my shoes but this is my reality for the most part. I gave you my card to prevent me from blowing it all up on crack as yes I have done well with with it but not without using anything I have overused Benadryl, I had taken a few loritabs and percocets last week along with the past 2 months maybe 3 months I have smoked weed every few weeks although last week I smoke twice in one day and then for the next 2 days after that and then stopped that. Yes I spent 200 dollars on crack on the 1st of last month and I smoked $60 with Mandell right before he was arrested well actually him me and Pete. And then last week I smoked a 20 with Pete on Tuesday night and then a 40 with him on Wednesday and have not touched it. Yes that means 4 times this past month but there was like a 16 day period I did not and no nothing got better for me and I did not feel better about myself. Before the 1st I had not touched it since the beginning of may like the 3rd I believe do not quote that date for sure but yes I was doing well as I believe it was the beginning of may where I spent a whole lot of money and went through 35 grams with Pete and I in 3 days and still we owe the dealer 450 dollars. But you know what maybe that is my destiny maybe that will be what takes me out of here but I gave you the card as I already know that tonight or tomorrow I will be smoking money or no money it is a given when you are fucking someone who does not want to do anything with his life and does not need to stop as it does not cause him difficulties. When you act like trash you become trash and that is what I have become basically. I have become a poor excuse for human being but yet I still keep going why. Cause what I am a fighter well how long before I lose that in me too just like everything else that seems to have gone down the drain and is unburyiable. How long before I become the crackwhore I hate and have sworn to it that it will not be me. Or have I already become that even when I am not smoking crack. How long before you decide to let me go and walk away. When will I gain some real peace. Last week there was this inner peace as I planned my suicide and the days got closer that I never felt now I feel like a coward. I feel as if I am a waste of time. There I go starting argument for nothing he wants me to go to sleep as I have mayube slept 6 hours since I woke up Saturday or Sunday I am not quite sure as the days seem to be all the same lately. I slept many hours last week and felt relieved and at peace with things and inside after meeting with you then this sleep shit started I think Friday and it has not ended. Now I can’t sleep and I am not tired like my body feels tired but my mind does not shut off enough I feel weak kind of muscle wise and my arms and legs feel weird but yet I cannot sleep. Well anyways I would appreciate it if u just give me the numbers off the card and then I will not be able to get money for crack and blow it but I would like to pay for my sons online Xbox 360 live as I had promised since he is unable to use it as it expired the 26th and is dysfunctional until we reinstate his membership. I also need to pay his 30 dollars for his world of warcraft account and would like to keep the rest on the card so I will spend 55 dollars and that will leave me 550. I know you are concerned but things are okay the pill stuff and suicde forum chats and my chats with others online have been investigative for the most part and just an escape and security for me lately. I am sorry I mentioned but I have great difficulty concealing that stuff as at times it dies concern me when it becomes constant thinking and and my life seems as hopeless as it has for me lately even if it is not and I have made progress it just is a feeling and not an action. I can feel whatever comes to me but I do not have to action one my feelings or my thoughts and I am not going to. Thank you for bearing with me and helping as you have and I am really sorry I have wasted your time and took you for who you are not. I am sorry my expectations of you have been so high and expecting you to do for me more than what I have been doing for myself. I will try harder and hope we can get working with each other instead of against each other as you have put a lot into helping me without me trying to help myself. I think my mind is becoming wacked somewhat as I feel as things are going in circles and not coming out clear. I really honestly believe I may need to get on some sort of medication soon to get myself out of this but I also do not believe I need a forever pill as I had learning to live and believe in life and enjoy some of life in the past so I am capable of doing again. Good night or morning whatever you want to call it I need to try to sleep.

C:\Documents and Settings\Teresa\My Documents\signature.html

confusion and peace within

2009-06-25T15:22:00.002-04:00

Somethings changed and I am not really sure how or why or when this happened. I am not sure I can even pinpoint the change but I know it is there for now and not sure whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.
I do not have the energy to figure out what has changed but I know that I have thought about cutting just to prove to myself it has not. Yes cutting has crossed my mind but lately it feels more like it is not the answer to anything anymore. Lately I feel like life is so unpredictable but yet appears somewhat predictable. It appears life is more than it really is and people make it out to be an important thing when really it is nothing more nothing less. I have felt somewhat as nothing really is what I have always felt it was. Things happen and I feel it but yet can not escape it anymore then I wanna run and hide.
I have thought about suicide and really am not sure how I feel about it lately although it seems definitive and an end to a lot of pain and suffering. I guess it just has not really been the option I have been looking for and seems to just be my way of escaping what I have or have nto been going through in these almost 30 years of life. I am not quite sure is what I so desire anymore but I am not sure I desire or want anything that I used to. Committing suicide takes a lot of energy to finally commit to and go through with. It takes a build up of courage which I can not achieve.
This it ran through my head several times about needing hospitalization, needing medication, needing more than what I have been doing in life. If I ever really want to get somewhere and where I want to get I am not sure but I may need more than this. I do not know what I need or what I want. I amk not sure about much lately except the feel of fakeness. People do not understand I am not normal. They do not understand I can play the part ofr just so long before I can not do that anymore. No one really sees or understands that I am not who I make myself seem like. But then who am and how am I supposed to be.
Lately there has been a lot of change within me but yet I am not sure how. I know some of it has been my realizing I want to cut but just not doing it because it is not going to work for what I want to erase. I also have realized that I use the talk of killing myself and dying as an escape from whatever I am facing or feeling inorder to avoid what is reality or not. I am not even sure the energy I put into attempting suicide has ever really been there as if it was I would have already achieved it. I am beginning to realize there is somesort of peace within me that is there asnd no matter how much people try to break through it it stays lately.
I can not be in a relationship as I can not be with myself. Relationships are commitment sthat I can nto make. I can not make the commitment to someone else that I can not make to myself. I can not continue struggling to be what I think is expected of me or that I believe others want me to be. I can not be a mom. I can nto be a girlfriend,. I can not be a neighbor. And I sure can not be a friend. As I try to play these roles I find I only hurt the people on the other side of the relationship more than I am hurting and I do not want that. I do not like to or want to hurt anyone. I am not sure I really want to hurt myself anymore. But I also am not sure what else to do so what have I been doing popping whatever pills I can and sleeping. Hoping the answer will be there when I wake up. Bbut it has not come to me yet.
I was up all night crying and wanting to escape as at times it was hard to breathe trying to talk through the confusion and make someone understand they do not want to be with me as I have too many issues. Alls it did was make me more confused as they claim they will be here through whatever and they need me right now as they are having difficulties. I try to explain the complication of myself to him trying to get him to see the difficulties I have in relationships and life. But he is blinded it is as if a lot of people are blinded and all I do is hurt them. I do not want to hurt others. I do not want to be hurt. But yet I am drawn into and live in a world that thrives on hurt. The world is nothing more than a big revolving place to be hurt. It thrives on people suffering and I am not sure that is what I want anymore. I am not sure I want much anymore. I just want to keep the peace whether that means I stop breathing and no longer exist or whether that means something more I am not sure. I am just allowing myself as confused and conflicted as I am to be with it and experience it right now. I am not sure the peace is not numbing but it is acceptable for me right now.

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2009-06-16T20:26:00.001-04:00

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Confliction with my mind and feelings i guess

2009-06-14T01:50:00.001-04:00

In some way I am some what confused about feelings maybe more thoughts than feelings. I do not know I guess what it is. I keep feeling sad and as if I am on the brink of breaking down in tears. I feel let go. I know she said she was not giving up on me but it seems this is what happens after the 2 1/2 years mark with most therapists I have if it even makes it that far. I feel somewhat of a fuck her attitude regarding her attitude lately but yet I also feel as if I am the lost cause I have always believed I am. In some ways I know deep down I probably do not need therapy anymore as I do know what I need to do in life but yet i am torn between the determination, dedication, desire, confidence, competence, and possibly the ability within myself to doing all this and the hopelessness, helplessness, capabilities, desperation, and possibilities of really being able to get through much more and living instead of just managing life. Although I am an educated soemwhat streetwise and intelligent person I always fall into the helplessness and dependence on others even when I do not trust anyone I trust people too much. I am an independant person and fight for my ability to be independant and tell people of my not needing them or anyone but yet I am very dependent on others. I do not survive without socialization and needing people around me. I want peace within myself and my life but yet I love to get right in the mix when there is chaos occuring I am right up in it but yet then can nto really stand the drama and chaos/ I am conflicted. I hate to be alone but yet when I have someone here I want them gone but when they leave I get angry they leave me here. I live alone and like it but yet I hate being here at my place alone. I hate living with people but hate living alone. I guess with all the therapy and mental health treatment I have gotten since the age of 4 by time I turn 30 next month I would have been in treatment more than out of treatment and never really gotten as far as expected. It seems people expect progress or expect degress but yet i am pretty much more always at a stand still. Yeah I progress a but but i degress a bit also. It seems I have never really moved in any direction permantly or gone in one direction for long cause if I am going forward I end up going backwards shortly after and flip flopping back and forth rather than continuing on one path or the other. Am I even making any sense probably not but yet I think this way constantly. I begin to trust someone or something and then for no apparent reason I become cautious and then have no trust in them and become suspicious and unable to express anything to them really. I am liked by many but yet then I try to push these same people that like me to hate me. I am a jealous person I guess and causes me anger and disgust where none should be. I feel I need someone else to take control over me and my life but yet fight tooth and nail when anyone takes any sort of control away from me. I want to be controlled but yet want to be in control. I want to die so desperatly want ot end my life but yet have had some sort of fear of what I may do to myself recently. I wonder what will happen when I am gone. How will people feel? Will it effect thier lives to a point that it interferes with them or will they be able to cope and move one quite quickly. will they be angry with me or will they understand my inability to face my pain anymore? I am not sure all these things I have been questioning alot within myself lately. Why? I am not sure. I do well but yet I really do bad. Things improve in my life and with me and my situation and I sabotage it and make my life worse I guess. I do things with others and seem fine but yet deep down I am not happy not smiling not enjoying myself but yet it seems I am at times. I dont know any more. I am gonna go for now.

Left therapy hopeless and abandoned then sent this email to her with no response

2009-06-12T14:16:00.000-04:00

So it is that simple I guess. Not quite sure it really is as simple as you just made it. I feel so hopeless right now. There is nothing left to fight for. Nothing to keep going. The drive home felt like forever trying to hold the tears in. I guess reality is hitting. I see the fight is gone there is nothing really worth holding onto. No one is really reliable. I see how simple is for people to just walk away and let go of. Why is it that people can let go of me so easily but yet I have such a hard time letting go of people places or things. Have you decided I am not worth it no more. I know things are just difficult and I am not really doing anything but I told you that 2 years ago. You are just now confirming that. Are you giving up? I gave up a long time ago. I knew there was never a chance. There never has been a chance. Why now? What did I do this time rather than all the other times when I wanted you to give up and see things were never going to get any better. I guess this is it. I guess its up to me now. Not sure I am strong enough to make it through but do u you really think that I ever believed that anyone really ever cared and was going to fight for me? NO, I never could really trust or believe any of you. I never said you had to do case management that was something you took on. Yes you could have let go a few months back when I was not seeing Pam but that was a decision you made or the agency made or whatever. I am not sure. Why now throw it back in my face. Okay so maybe I do not know all that is happening but neither do you. Yes it may seem I have control over so much but when things are happening it just feels I have no control. I know you say these things are up to me to control but I just CAN NOT control any of it. Yeah decisions are a struggle for me but yet it seems when I do make a decision it is never the right one. Even when it is a decision that is good for me it seems all it is chalked up to be in my mind is not what it really is. I sometimes really believe things will get better but it appears that is not ever going to happen. I can not do this on my own but yet it seems I am alone in this world. Sometimes when I am around others even doing some of the things I do I feel normal. I feel okay but inside I know this stuff is wrong but can not stop it. Just like when I was a teenager I knew the stuff should not be going on it was wrong but yet I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do about it. I did nothing about it. I just kept allowing it to happen and when it happened it felt like I mattered and someone really cared about me. Things in my life currently feel the same way. I hang out with people. Do things with them. Drugs, sexual stuff, codependency stuff and in the midst of it it seems okay. It seems there is really normalcy in my life but when I am alone by myself and I think about it and feel trapped in it. I know it is not the right things, I know its not having a life, I know it is not what “NORMAL” people do but yet its my destiny I guess. I feel so unable to really control it even though you say it is within my control. Sleeping forever seems so contentful but yet so scary so I am living some fantasy trying to live in a fucked up world, a fucked up life, trying to convince myself that NORMALCY is possible. I suppose what I am doing now is the most peace I will have within my life. This actually may be the most normal things have ever been for me. I am not sure maybe the life I am leading currently is normal! Yeah I am sleeping a lot. Yeah I am socializing. Even if that socialization costs me. What does it cost? Material things? Who cares? Money is not everything! Do I need it probably not. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests basic needs food, water, and shelter as a foundation for all humans. I am not sure any of that is what is need for me to achieve the contentment I am seeking. I have food water, and shelter. I have more than that but still have no foundation My son is sleeping and was when I walked in the door. I feel so alone but yet he is here my dog is here and I have people in the neighborhood I could go see but yet I sit here writing this wondering why I even bother. I always believe there is something I am missing and try to seek it but yet can not figure out what it is. If I never know I am always seeking something that has no true way of helping me since it is not ever really missing. I never had a whole lot to begin with so really what is it that I am seeking or missing? I know a lot of this probably does not seem valid to you or anyone else but there is a void that no matter what I do never really fulfills anything. That void was there before my kids were born it was there as a child and now it is still here. Yeah my kids may have blocked it but I felt a void somewhat then. Not to the extent I feel it now but it was there. I never really do as well as I expect and anything I ever expect to work does not work. Anything I allow others to lead me towards that is supposed to work or help ends up not what I expected. If I always fail then why keep trying. If I do not try then I won’t fail. That also means that I will never succeed either. So it is a no win situation but also seems that trying has not helped either. I still fail and can not seem to succeed.

my thoughts at the moment

2009-06-09T01:42:00.002-04:00

I am so tired of being used by people in my life specifically men. i try hard to get away from situations that I do not like or things I do not want to do and what happens men come around and fuck with my mind. I want an escape away from all this. I want them to go away and stay away. I would liek for all their people to stop calling my house and when they do for these men to be men and tell these people to stop calling here and that they do not want to be bothered. But no instead these supposed men or should I say little boys refuse to answer the phone to the people and the people call numerous times and then when and if I answer then I have to lie and say these little boys are not here when they really are. These people who call for them know they are here and know I am lying. These 2 men play off of eachother telling these people the other is here and so on and so forth so I am caught in the middle of all their bullshit. Then one of the huys wants to be with me just to use me and it always ends with us arguing but then he eventually comes back. I no longer have care for him I kinda am rageful about him but yet then he tries to be so nice when he wants to get back on my good side but then treats me like shit again and again. Then the other man is a great guy and he treats me very good almost seems too good to be true but he has been doing this for quite a while but I am just afraid to get involved. He has some faults and is involved in stuff that I want to stay away from but yet when he is around it is hard not to want to do those things or to stay away from it. Yes at times he is helpful and stays away from it for my sake mostly but then atleastI every few weeks it starts over. I have tried to get away from ehre and want to move so much but cant for some reason. People here like me and I am not quite sure why but I also am not sure where I would go and I know if I go into the shelter my son can not spend nights with me and where will I take him during the day to spend time with him since alls he wants to do while he is here is playing on the computer or play on his xbox. If I have no place for him to do that then he will not want to spend time with me plus it is not really comfortable weather for him to be outside hanging at a park or something and I know he will not want to do that. I feel trapped here/ I do not see an escape away from here. Why is it I always seem to get involved with negative peopel and why is it I can not stay to myself and keep people away from and for me to stay away from them. I think I would be alright if i could learn to stay to myself and not be such a people person. If I could hibernate I would be alot better off. but for soem reason I can not. I have less than 2 weeks to my planned date to escape all this pain and misery but still have not been able to get enough shit to carry my plans out. So what do I do? How do I obtain the means to do myself in if no one is willing to help obtain the need shit and I have no means of obtaining the shit currently but yet I am desperate. I want out of this world and the pain I endure day in and day out.

My hopelessness lately

2009-06-06T19:33:00.001-04:00

Each day that passes I create more misery in my world. I try to fit in with others and be accepted but i really am not. They are just wanting me around to be as miserable as they are. I have never had a problem with people liking me but it has always been people who don't have anything to offer me as far as happiness and stability. it has always been drug addicts or people just as unstable as I am. I have always fit in well with these people and do whatever they do. I have now had a friend for about 8 months who has been good to me and helped me do some positive things in my life and now have completely almost pushed her out of my life because of my using drugs and inability to stabilize for any period of time because when I am not using drugs I am trying to kill myself or using self harm to cope with my feelings and thoughts about myself, my current and past life, and all that has happened in my very long 29 years of life. this all began with me as a little girl taken from my home and ripped from my family only for the foster home to not want me and for me to end up in a residential for troubled children where i was very angry little girl and learned to hurt others when i was angry. after several years of that i went home to my mom only for her to abuse me in many ways and for her boyfriend to sexually abuse me after 4 years of this and six weeks after my son was born i tried to kill myself and ended up in a psychiatric hospital ever since i then my coping has been to hurt myself but avoid hurting others physically because i am so angry at the world and myself especially for allowing my life to get this way and being unable to do anything about it and when i try to do something i end up in a worse mess than i was in before i tried stabilizing. now over the past 2 years drugs has become an alternative to cutting myself but yet i still yearn for the cutting since it is the only things that has truly relieved my emotional suffering. when i am using drugs with these people it is because they are or want to even when i don't want to or i feel i should not be i do it anyways. i continue to do this and try to move away from these people that i involve myself with but yet when i do i just get involved with others who are deeper into it. I have tried to kill myself more than a dozen times in the past 2 almost 3 years and have done nothing except end up in ICU a few times and end up in the psychiatric hospital or a crisis stabilization program for a few days to a couple weeks. Nothing is changing. nothing is getting better it pretty much as increasingly gotten worse. I increasingly try to get my life together and then fall flat on my face deeper in the ground than before i tried to get out of the trenches i have dug. my family hardly even calls me unless they or someone else needs something from me money or food and so on and so forth. although my life is at its stablest it has been in so long. i have a place to live. I pay my utilities. I have food in my house. I am in school and have been taking classes with straight A's for 2 semesters now and everyone wants me to get a hold of this and pull through all right i am not sure that is what I want. I want to just end it all. I am debating on pulling my ceiling apart to expose the framing and test my weight upon it. Since I have tried the overdose thing several times and gotten nowhere with it and at one time I tried drinking cleaner it that never worked either I guess I need to find something foolproof. Eventually I will succeed at killing myself and ending my misery so why don't someone just help me do it instead of prolonging the inevitable. I do live by the train tracks pretty much like a hundred feet from my back door and I have timed the trains coming by and though about it seriously but have not been able to got through with it. I have just to afraid. i guess I want a painless method that does not take much thought. I have entertained the idea of purchasing a gun but do not want others around me to know and I can not purchase it legally. and all the peeps I know that could get one from the streets for me will do anything to stop me from doing it and sure will not help me get the means to do it. they enjoy me being miserable and giving into there wants needs and desires. they like everyone around them being in a hopeless situation in life because they are all older than I am and don't seem to want anything different and seem to enjoy their lives being miserable and smoking crack and not paying rent and having to live with their parents and friends who they can bring down with them they sure will help bring me down but yet wont help bring me up or out of this miserable world. I have tried to create the life i want with no amount of measurable progress so why keep failing at trying why not succeed at escaping. Someday soon I will submit and gain the courage and means to commit suicide without being able to be saved. I am setting my date and got to start saying my goodbyes without really saying goodbye so something is not suspected. I wont cry I will feel relief over the next few weeks since I know that after I die there will be no more pain and although others may suffer emotionally for a few days and cry most will not even be effected and some will feel relief that it is over and finally they no longer need to worry about me doing it or how they can save me because its too late my life is just waiting for me to give up and give into my suicide.

What am i still here for? Nothing Left.

2009-06-06T19:27:00.002-04:00

I n January 2006 my children were removed from my home for domestic violence issues. After they were removed, it was not much time before my stability with my mental health deteriated to the point I could not get it back together to regain custody of them. Back when I was 15, I had my first child and within 6 weeks, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I had had mental health issues since I was a very young child and was removed from my home for abuse by my parents and relatives. From That first hospitalization, it took me 5 years to stabilize and my mother had my child from the time he was born. He just turned 14 a few days ago. When I got pregnant in 2000 with my second child I stabilized and stopped trying to if myself and stopped harming myself altogether. I now had a reason to go on. I then got married and had three more children during the next 5 years. Although the marriage was rocky from the start and there was repeated abuse occurring I was mentally stable. I had not harmed myself since May 2000 and had not been hospitalized since then either. My children were removed from my home for neglect due to the witnessing of the abuse that was occurring. After the children were removed, the state used the mental health history of both my husband and I to keep the children in foster care. They used records from back when I was a child in their custody against me. Within 6 weeks of the children’s removal, I was completely unstable and back to harming myself and trying to off myself. I felt there was nothing left for me to live for. Eighteen months later my parental rights were terminated due to my mental health instability and my inability to get my life back on track and feeling there was a reason to go on. Now it has been 3 years since the removal and 18 months since the termination hearing where I lost my parental rights. I have gotten a divorce and have finished 2-fulltime semester in college and am starting my third. I have become a lot more stable even though it has been a rough and rocky road and there are many days that I feel and believe I cannot proceed in life. Nevertheless, I keep trudging. I cannot figure out how or why I am still alive. I have nothing left to live for. My children are all adopted off except my 14 year old and I can never see them until they are of age and that is if they decide to seek me out and want something to do with me. Now what do I do for the next 10 years? The oldest of the four that are gone is 8 and the youngest is 4 years old. Then I have my 7 year old and one that is 5. I have a long wait ahead of me. What if they don’t want anything to do with me? I would have kept struggling for all these years to come for nothing.

A Bit About Me

2009-05-31T23:57:00.000-04:00

A Bit About Me

Crash kills man being chased from Cass County - Kansas City Star

2009-05-27T22:54:00.001-04:00

Crash kills man being chased from Cass County - Kansas City Star

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The chaos of my Borderline this weekend

2009-05-24T16:28:00.001-04:00

Well things have gone pretty well I have been hanging with some people in my neighborhood that like me for who I am but I almost feel as if I have been sucked into drama and being who I am not. I had un we went out Friday night t Friday night cheers with a live local band there and drinks. While there it was fun and I rank 5 smirnoff ice then proceeded over to the liquor store before heading home. When we returned to the trailer park we were bombarded by the drunks who wanted our liquor and because we did not give them some they caused somewhat of a problem and ended it with the police coming.

Saturday we decided tostay at our end of the trailer park and we were having a great time. We were enjoying the cookout and had some peeps over when one of the drunks came down here being nosy and thinking he could do what he wanted and his wife would pick the pieces up after he got beat. But instead his wife came down here and told me I was crazy for even standing up to her and I told her she claims she is crazy and pushed her. She proceeded to push me and I socked her in the face. She then grabbed me by the thraot and I punched her again and she let go and walked away onlyto call the police on me whci in turned back fired and I went and obtained a warrant for her at the magistrates office. She still has not been arrested although there is a warrant for her arrest and she should be being picked up shortly.

Through all this it was nice to have people like me and proud of me and having a good time but I just feel that that is not who I am and I do not like fighting or being in the mix of chaos and drama. I actually like when I hibernate in my house sitting on the computer wasting my life away on the internet. But being borderline is difficult and I find myself unable to be with me at times ad I try to get in the drama and be liked by everyone without them knowing who I really am but when it comes down to it I am not me when I am with them. I wish I really knew who I was whatI liked and soon and so forth. I wish I was somebody who people liked without having to become what everyone else is or who everyone else wants me to act like.

Fuck everyone in this fucling World

2009-05-19T12:26:00.003-04:00

I am so sick of motherfuckers in my life. They all are backstabbers. Theyu seem to be able to tell everyone about what I am doing but yet can not look in their own backyards and see what they are doing in their own lives. They act like they have no issues and have never done anything wrong. All people in this world are 2 faced bitches. I can not stand life or anyone they all can fuck off and when I do go on my killing spree I will make sure I keep them in mind before I slice my own throat and end my life. I hate people this world and life. I can not wait till my day comes and it is approaching fast.

concern about my thoughts past few days

2009-05-18T03:30:00.002-04:00

been wanting to go on a killing spree lately...seriously I have been obsessing over slicing peoples throats and wanting to slice my own throat...want to feel what it feels like to kill in cold blood and to be killed in cold blood...I think my mind is really fucked up right now and beginning to concern me...Not sure whats up and whats going on with my mind these past few days...Think I am going insane or have hit insanity...absessing for me is not good it usually leads to action on the obsession...but i usually do not think about hurting others or anything of that nature usually it is about hurting myself or ending my life and so on and so forth so this is concerning and scary to me...i may be becoming out of control...IDK

Email I Wrote to my Therapist Today

2009-05-14T22:53:00.000-04:00

Hello. I just figured since everytime I come to therapy with you I have difficulties talking I would atleast write to you and maybe that will be a start for our session in the morning which you probably won't get this till before I see you anyways and it will be fresh in your mind. Well anyways DBT group I felt went well for the most part although I realize I did get annoying. It is difficult for me to sit through the whole thing normally I guess and I get unfocused. I am ready to stop going to group but I am not ready to go to Continuing care DBT group as I know what the skills are and am very able to help and explain them to others and I am also able to give examples for the most part and help others learn and try to understand them but I am using them regularly and have a hard time seeing when I am using them the way they are supposed to be used as opposed to manipulating the skills in a way that justifies my wants, needs, and desires. I actually like helping out with others who want to learn the skills but then also feel that I am hipercritical and have no right to tell people how to use them when I can not use them effectively. I think what it all boils down to in my head is I do not have a life worth living when I use them or when I do not use them and I analyze too many things to an extent in which I am able to find the loopholes and manipulate them to use negavtively more than positively. I also know that I am using the word manipulate alot in this letter because it seems that you feel I manipulate everything and everyone so it appears to fit here more than in any context you have tried to use it with with me. yes I do manipulate skills and things I do in my life to justify my behavoirs and lack of happiness and shit like that but I do not purposely manipulate people and that is where I get offended and build my walls up. I also know that I need to start working on things with you because to me it appears I am just coming there and nothing is changing but yet everything seems to be going away and the professionals such as yourself are the ones feeling I do not need the services but yet I do not see much has changed and really my life appears to be a chaotic mess. I also know that I am the one who allows my life to be this way but how do I stop it? You have stuck with me through thick and thin these past few years and really has not been as long as you think or feel considering the time I have been in treament for mental health but I realize maybe it has been too long for you. Maybe you feel overwelmed and burnt out a bit with me. I do not know but not really sure where we are not really working on anything that I should be working on talking about and learning to let go of maybe we should begin the process of ending treatment altogether. Maybe I can see you tommorrow and 1 more time this month and start out done with DBT and therapy. Maybe it is just time to fly free out of the nest away from comfort and all I really know. I did it before until I was forced by social services to have treatment again. Maybe we can try it and see how it goes? Maybe like say we will schedule an appointment in September which is right after the fall semester begins and I have hopefully found myself a place in Lynchburg and wont need it at all. What do you think? You probably are thinking it is not a great idea but why put yourself through the burnout and stress of seeing me and talkign to me when I am not really doing any work with you as I should. I am having a hard time talking bout stuff that happens and that I have been through and that is being triggered by things occuring currently and by myself placing myself in that situation so then it just feels so lonly and as if I will never be able to unburden myself and let this stuff and let it go or get over so then why continue to use your time in an unproductive manor when others in the area really need help and you could be helping them. You could be showing them a better way of life rather than me taking the time I have and not using it th e way it is meant to be used. Well I guess this should be alot to discus more than enough and probably alot to digest at once and figure out analyze and comprehend so I will elave it at this and maybe these are the things that should be talked about tomorrow at the beginning of our session as they are important and time should be spent on them. I will see you at 10am. probably be ther ebefore then depends on the taxi if you need to see me earlier. Take care. Have good night if you get this before the morning.

vent this morning

2009-05-11T11:16:00.001-04:00

my father have not spoken with in about 4-5 years and my mother although we speak about 1-2 times a week it is when she has something to tell me about the other kids and their problems and how what is happening to them is so terrible but yet when I was going through a similar thing with my ex husband and he was driving me through the mud and shit and sending me to court and having me arrested and shit she was not there she could care less. when I am in the hospital does she care NO not even when I end up in ICU for overdosing but yet when my brother ended up in psych unit this week and my sister’s husband left her with the 2 kids this week she sure calls me to tell me how bad things are for them and how it is wrong and all this and what can she do and how can she help and I should go to Missouri to help my sister move back to mass and she wishes she was there with here but it will be okay cause she is moving her back to mass and my brother she has been to visit him all week. so I am the oldest and she has never loved me or wanted me around I was always the trouble in the family because I would not handle the abuse going on at home and ended up kicked out of school in therapy in the hospital on meds and social services was called because of me not her not her beating me or her boyfriend doing what he was doing it was always my fault and she hates me. my family only call when they need or want something from me whether it is advice, money, food, help, travel, driving them or whatever but yet I sit here alone day after day contemplating and planning and revising my end to this bullshit they call life. Physically there is nothing wrong with me but mentally and emotionally, I am not sure. I can be so fake around others and no one ever sees or thinks anything is wrong with me until I end up OD'd in the emergency room. my therapist seemed real concerned last week but yeti bet she won’t even call today or the rest of the week as I agreed to go to DBT tomorrow with her and she runs the group and I have therapy Friday morning with her and when I go she won’t even be concerned she will just hassle me and shit and then when the hour is up she will say well I got things to do and our time is up like I am just a number in the system and do not really mean anything but yet then last week she acts all concerned and wanted me in the hospital and shit because she has a license and does not want to jeopardize it by knowing I want to kill myself and not doing anything in her words but yet then does not do anything about it except call and check on me all week. Fuck her too. She does not really care about me she tells me I need to let others see who I really am and shit like that and not try to act like and be someone I truly am not but then again she is so fake too. She acts so caring one minute and then as if, she does not care the next moment. Maybe she has multiple personality disorder.

venting

2009-05-10T02:30:00.004-04:00

Thia is not my image it is obtained from online resource search from google images no copyright infringement all credit goes to image holder

i guess i am managing, geting by, and surviving... I need to get some sleep would like to sleep the rest of today and not waken up until Monday but i know that wont happen i actually prefer not to wake up at all but i have no luck when it comes to that...i also am supposed to drive to the airport in NC to pick up my son cause my brother does not feel like going to get him even though he lives with him and he has custody they never want to do anything for or with the kid... they do not even get the kid what he needs like glasses that he has not had since he busted them back in October or therapy which he needs and his pdoc has been harassing them about getting him but they have not gotten them...so i guess i am going to have to drive the 3 hours there and then 3 hours back and his flight supposed to be in at 6:55pm but then my mom says that he may not be coming back because my sisters boyfriend left her and moved in with another girl and is selling drugs and has a gun that he bought but is in my sisters name and he took the babies check and left them with no diapers and did not pay the bills or rent and all this shit which there oldest daughter just turned 4 last weekend which is why my son went there and she has autism and then they have one that is turning 2 but i went through the same shit back January 2003 with my husband except he pressed kidnapping charges on me and had me arrested and lied to get emergency custody and all and my mother sits there on the phone tonight saying poor destiny she should not have to go through this and all this bullshit but when i was going through it all and had a miscarriage because of it all no one cared and my kids ended up in social services and everything but yet my mom is going to help her move back to mass from Missouri and help her with the kids but yet when i was going through it all and fought and got my kids back and then lost them again she didn't care and didn't help then last minute she came her to try to file for custody only for the judge to say she had had nothing to do with them this whole time so denied her custody and i lost mine forever but yet she stands by the other kids and always helps all them. i am angry and hurt right now i want to cry i want to feel something more than i am feeling i want an escape i need an escape i need to run from all this shit and to top it off my brother is in psych unit at the hospital in mass for overdosing and trying to jump off bridge and my mother has been there to visit him everyday all week and never gives too shits when i am in hospital not even when i a, ICU for days sometimes 7 on monitors and IVs and all that i have never been cared about or loved but yet they can do what they want steal from her threaten her use her and commit crimes and so on and so forth and she still jumps for them but hates me and always has she has never loved cared about or wanted me i hate my life

today

2009-05-09T18:42:00.003-04:00

Well today has been a pretty good day so far i guess. atmy friends house tilling up the area for the peppers for the salsa shack and she is clearing out hte camping area. That is where i will be staying for the summer and trying to figure out who i am who i want to be and what i want to do for my future. It is going to give me the time and spcae to work on me and maybe get somewhere. I am sure this summer will not be easy and all this work i need to and want to do over the next few months is going to be emotionally hard but i hope it gives me hope and a new way to live. I am searching for myself and still have not found me. So many things interest me fora while and then the interest goes away and i become restless and bored with them. Not that i lose all interest on the things i just can not do them as much as i did in the beginning. If i can learn to like me and like who i am whoever that may be then maybe i will be able to just enjoy the things without becoming bored and restless and just not doing them at all. I just do not want to try and be someone i am not just because of the people i am around and I also do not want to pretend to be interested and to like something when i do not just because i am trying to be accepted by people. the big question to me is WHO AM I? maybe I will get some enlightenment with all this and might find some real answers by taking this time of reflection and working on my inner self.

something that has some meaning

2009-05-08T21:54:00.002-04:00

this is a video that helps me describe so much of what i wish i could do and begin to work through my past and live into a better furute for me

past few days

2009-05-08T00:39:00.004-04:00

these past few days i have made a decision to move and spend the summer at my friends camping her yard. i will have like a retreat there and will hopefully be able to work on myself and maybe begin to see who i really am and find what i really like. i will spend sometime with her and her children and we will lso be able to work together on gardening and our plans to make what we call the salsa shack. we are growing tomatoes peppers cilantro onions garlic and hot peppers and plan on trying to sell them at the local market and maybe build a business out of for the future. we have a lot of things in common but then there are other things that we disagree on so i will have to keep myself in check and try to be who she wishes me to be for a few months. i believe it will be somewhat good for me to do some inner work but i also will have to be careful since she has been through traumatic situations that sometimes become triggered by my traumatic past and trying to talk to her about my symptoms and my ptsd and need to try to talk about these things without being judged. sometimes the things she talks about throughs me for a loop and brings up alot for me and i have not been able to set limits and boundaries with her around this stuff but she is able to tell me when it is uncomfortable or too much for her what we are discussing. she is alot farther in her recovery than i am and also has 9 years sober and clean which is a big help for me. she is a great friend and has helped me stabilize more than anything this past year. she also helped me be able to trust someone enough to talk about this stuff somewhat but i feel she will get me started talking about it but then it gets too much for her and i am left hanging with the intense memories and emotions. i also will not be able to use my cutting as a means of coping while i am there so this will be a big step for me in self control and coping effectively. but in the long one this is probably a big blessing and may be very helpful for the future of my life and well being including the stability and "normalcy" i so desire and seek so often. although when i begin to gain some "normalcy" i usual destroy it and run from it. i think it gets to much for me not to be in chaos as my whole life since birth has been not so dependable, chaotic, unstable, and unstructured. i think it becomes greatly uncomfortable for me and i run from it as it is not what i am used to and it is scary for me. but this will help me build some trust and a bit of a foundation before going to get my own apartment at the end of the summer again. maybe i will gain some enlightenment into what i truly am seeking in life and what i really want. i just hope i do not sacrifice myself to much and try to be who i am not and lose the things that has protecdted me throughout my whole life. seeing her and where she had come froma nd whats she went through and how far she has come and how hard she has worked to get to where she is now gives me hope. hope that there is better out there for me and that i too can get to where she is with alot of hard work and many failures and successes but i do not want to be her and be what she expects me to be or what or who anyone expects me to be i want to be me and learn who me is. this will be a step in the right direction to a life worth living i hope.

New things

2009-05-06T19:33:00.002-04:00

I am learning new things withi life currently I am working on learning HTML andtying new stuff out on the WEB like this blogger thingy. I alo have several acounts on differen socia neworking websites that Iam currently working on ad have written on them for a few years now. I am learning to creat my own webpage and build a wbit. I someday want to on my own compute business out of my home. I am in the procss of mkin some changes in my life and trying to learn who I am an what I like since I have alwys trid to be who I think others want me to be and do what they wanted me to do or what beleived others wante me to do. I have ha an interest in pc reapair for such a long time andhave taught myslf most of the basic stuff. I also can pretty much build one and do some of the somftware and pogrammng stuff. Now I a trying to learn the basics and stuff like that with web development. I used to like to draw but now it seems I can not do it. I like to write but seem to have hit major blockage now when I try to write.

Video I made of my Last vistits with my kid after losing my parental rights

2009-05-06T19:15:00.000-04:00

my angels somewhere out there

today

2009-05-06T15:28:00.002-04:00

Well thikngs seem to be working out much more today. It has been over 24 hours since I last used and I took a big step by talking to a friend that I thought was never going to talk to me again if I relapsed. I had contemplated suicide several times and began making the plans for it recently. But things seem to be looking up today and appear to be working out for me to get away from drugs and start some self discovery and work on me more than i had ever done I hope it works out. This will be a chance for me to do some self exploration and maybe find my place in life and discover what things I really enjoy. i may find some happiness within while searching within. i think this is going to be great and will help me alot. I hope it works out. mY friend really cares but she also needs to make sure she keeps herself safe and sets boundries to protect her and her kids.

Something I found while looking for Suicide On the NET

2009-05-05T23:43:00.001-04:00

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.
I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.
I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.
Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.
Start by considering this statement:
“Suicide is not chosen; it happenswhen pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”
That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.
You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.
Now I want to tell you five things to think about.
1
You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.
2
Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.
3
People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
4
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:
Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.
5
Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.
Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.
Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.
Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.
Now: I’d like you to call someone.
And while you’re at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help.
Additional things to read at this site:
How serious is our condition? ...“he only took 15 pills, he wasn’t really serious...” if others are making you feel like you’re just trying to get attention... read this.
Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently suffered a loss.
The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us... and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in suicidal feelings.
Resources about depression ...if you are suicidal, you are most likely experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because depression can be treated, helping you feel better.
Do you know someone who is suicidal... or would you like to be able to help, if the situation arises? Learn what to do, so that you can make the situation better, not worse.
Handling a call from a suicidal person ...a very helpful ten-point list that you can print out and keep near your phone or computer.
What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal? ...a helpful guide, includes Suicide Warning Signs.Other online sources of help:
The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a volunteer on the phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to a psychotherapist, the best source of online help.
Talk to a therapist online - Read this page to find out how.
Depression support group online: Walkers in Darkness - Please note: this is a very big group, but amidst all the chatter (and occasional bickering), it is possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support.
Psych Central has a good listing of online resources for suicide and other mental health needs.
Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two.
If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a Competent Counselor.
Sometimes people need additional private help before they are ready to talk with someone in person. Here are three books you could read on your own in private. I know from personal experience that each one has helped someone like you.
Suicide: The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum, 1989, $8.95, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a therapist who cares. Order the book
Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications, 1996, $12.95, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with practical help for suicidal persons. Order the book
How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner (William Morrow, 2002, $17.47, ISBN 0066211212). A very practical survival guide by an actual survivor. Order the book

I make no profit whatever on the books. Every penny received is given to The Samaritans to support their lifesaving work. The volunteers give generously of themselves, but it costs them money to continue operating and saving lives - money for facilities, phones and computers. Money is a reality. They need it; we give it. Sending them this small donation is our way of thanking them and helping them continue to help others. If you would like to know where the money goes, visit the Samaritans website. If you prefer not to make a donation to the Samaritans, take the book information above to your local bookstore and order the books there instead. If you would like to make a donation directly to the Samaritans, click here.
Out of the Nightmare: Recovery From Depression And Suicidal Pain, by David L. Conroy, PhD (Authors Choice Press, 2006, ISBN 0595414974). As if suicidal persons weren't feeling bad enough already, our thoughtless attitudes can cause them to feel guilt and shame, and keep them from getting help in time. Dr. Conroy blasts apart the myths of suicide, and looks at suicidal feelings from the inside, in a down to earth, non-judgmental way. This is a book that will save lives by washing away the stigma of suicide and opening the door to a real way out of the nightmare. More info and reviews
Would you like to print out this page? Here is a plain black-on-white version that should print more easily.
Want to share your suicide story? Please visit the Suicide Project and leave your story
Have feedback?

Please write us
This page is provided as a public service by Metanoia, and is dedicated with gratitude to David Conroy, Ph.D. whose work inspired it. Metanoia cannot provide counseling to suicidal persons. If you need help please use the resources outlined above.
© Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved. Reprints: Please feel free to link to this page. Please do not reproduce this page on the Internet; you may link to it instead. You may reproduce this page in print media for non-commercial, non-profit use only, if you meet the following three conditions: (1) you must use the full text without alteration up to and including the words "Now: I’d like you to call someone."; (2) please consider making a donation to The Samaritans (see above); and (3) you must print the following notice verbatim: "Reprinted with permission. Suicide: Read This First (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide) was written by Martha Ainsworth based on work by David Conroy, Ph.D. To talk with a caring listener about your suicidal feelings, in the U.S. call 1-800-SUICIDE any time, day or night. Online, send an anonymous e-mail to jo@samaritans.org for confidential and non-judgmental help, or visit http://www.samaritans.org."
Hosted as a community service by Mental Health Information at Psych Central Mental Health Support Groups
Looking for others for support? Please visit Bipolar Like Me for bipolar disorder and Depressed Like Me for depression concerns.
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feelings at the moment

2009-05-04T12:16:00.000-04:00

Each day that passes I create more misery in my world. I try to fit in with others and be accepted but i really am not. They are just wanting me around to be as miserable as they are. I have never had a problem with people liking me but it has always been people who don't have anything to offer me as far as happiness and stability. it has always been drug addicts or people just as unstable as I am. I have always fit in well with these people and do whatever they do. I have now had a friend for about 8 months who has been good to me and helped me do some positive things in my life and now have completely almost pushed her out of my life because of my using drugs and inability to stabilize for any period of time because when I am not using drugs I am trying to kill myself or using self harm to cope with my feelings and thoughts about myself, my current and past life, and all that has happened in my very long 29 years of life. this all began with me as a little girl taken from my home and ripped from my family only for the foster home to not want me and for me to end up in a residential for troubled children where i was very angry little girl and learned to hurt others when i was angry. after several years of that i went home to my mom only for her to abuse me in many ways and for her boyfriend to sexually abuse me after 4 years of this and six weeks after my son was born i tried to kill myself and ended up in a psychiatric hospital ever since i then my coping has been to hurt myself but avoid hurting others physically because i am so angry at the world and myself especially for allowing my life to get this way and being unable to do anything about it and when i try to do something i end up in a worse mess than i was in before i tried stabilizing. now over the past 2 years drugs has become an alternative to cutting myself but yet i still yearn for the cutting since it is the only things that has truly relieved my emotional suffering. when i am using drugs with these people it is because they are or want to even when i don't want to or i feel i should not be i do it anyways. i continue to do this and try to move away from these people that i involve myself with but yet when i do i just get involved with others who are deeper into it. I have tried to kill myself more than a dozen times in the past 2 almost 3 years and have done nothing except end up in ICU a few times and end up in the psychiatric hospital or a crisis stabilization program for a few days to a couple weeks. Nothing is changing. nothing is getting better it pretty much as increasingly gotten worse. I increasingly try to get my life together and then fall flat on my face deeper in the ground than before i tried to get out of the trenches i have dug. my family hardly even calls me unless they or someone else needs something from me money or food and so on and so forth. although my life is at its stablest it has been in so long. i have a place to live. I pay my utilities. I have food in my house. I am in school and have been taking classes with straight A's for 2 semesters now and everyone wants me to get a hold of this and pull through all right i am not sure that is what I want. I want to just end it all. I am debating on pulling my ceiling apart to expose the framing and test my weight upon it. Since I have tried the overdose thing several times and gotten nowhere with it and at one time I tried drinking cleaner it that never worked either I guess I need to find something foolproof. Eventually I will succeed at killing myself and ending my misery so why don't someone just help me do it instead of prolonging the inevitable. I do live by the train tracks pretty much like a hundred feet from my back door and I have timed the trains coming by and though about it seriously but have not been able to got through with it. I have just to afraid. i guess I want a painless method that does not take much thought. i got my check today and have entertained the idea of purchasing a gun but do not want others around me to know and I can not purchase it legally. and all the peeps I know that could get one from the streets for me will do anything to stop me from doing it and sure will not help me get the means to do it. they enjoy me being miserable and giving into there wants needs and desires. they like everyone around them being in a hopeless situation in life because they are all older than I am and don't seem to want anything different and seem to enjoy their lives being miserable and smoking crack and not paying rent and having to live with their parents and friends who they can bring down with them they sure will help bring me down but yet wont help bring me up or out of this miserable world. I have tried to create the life i want with no amount of measurable progress so why keep failing at trying why not succeed at escaping. Someday soon I will submit and gain the courage and means to commit suicide without being able to be saved. I am setting my date and got to start saying my goodbyes without really saying goodbye so something is not suspected. I wont cry I will feel relief over the next few weeks since I know that after I die there will be no more pain and although others may suffer emotionally for a few days and cry most will not even be effected and some will feel relief that it is over and finally they no longer need to worry about me doing it or how they can save me because its too late my life is just waiting for me to give up and give into my suicide..

Why am I still here?

2009-05-04T12:03:00.000-04:00

In January 2006 my children were removed from my home for domestic violence issues. After they were removed, it was not much time before my stability with my mental health deteriated to the point I could not get it back together to regain custody of them. Back when I was 15, I had my first child and within 6 weeks, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I had had mental health issues since I was a very young child and was removed from my home for abuse by my parents and relatives. From That first hospitalization, it took me 5 years to stabilize and my mother had my child from the time he was born. He just turned 14 a few days ago. When I got pregnant in 2000 with my second child I stabilized and stopped trying to if myself and stopped harming myself altogether. I now had a reason to go on. I then got married and had three more children during the next 5 years. Although the marriage was rocky from the start and there was repeated abuse occurring I was mentally stable. I had not harmed myself since May 2000 and had not been hospitalized since then either. My children were removed from my home for neglect due to the witnessing of the abuse that was occurring. After the children were removed, the state used the mental health history of both my husband and I to keep the children in foster care. They used records from back when I was a child in their custody against me. Within 6 weeks of the children’s removal, I was completely unstable and back to harming myself and trying to off myself. I felt there was nothing left for me to live for. Eighteen months later my parental rights were terminated due to my mental health instability and my inability to get my life back on track and feeling there was a reason to go on. Now it has been 3 years since the removal and 18 months since the termination hearing where I lost my parental rights. I have gotten a divorce and have finished 2-fulltime semester in college and am starting my third. I have become a lot more stable even though it has been a rough and rocky road and there are many days that I feel and believe I cannot proceed in life. Nevertheless, I keep trudging. I cannot figure out how or why I am still alive. I have nothing left to live for. My children are all adopted off except my 14 year old and I can never see them until they are of age and that is if they decide to seek me out and want something to do with me. Now what do I do for the next 10 years? The oldest of the four that are gone just turned 8 and the youngest will be 4 next month. Then I have my 7 year old and one that will be 5 next month. I have a long wait ahead of me. What if they don’t want anything to do with me? I would have kept struggling for all these years to come for nothing.....

I Guess This Will Be My Introduction

2009-05-03T04:07:00.003-04:00

Lately things have not been going that bad since life has been worse than this. I am just finishing up my 3rd semester at the local community college and do pretty well with school even though I feel I do not do as great as I should I do bette rthan I expected I would do when I first thought about going. Every semester so far I have changed my mind on what I want ot be when I grow up and have changed my program of study.

I am not sure who I really am and what i really want to do with my life although I have some ideas and interest but not really sure some of it I can handle emotionally although I try my hardest to do it now anyways. Then the other thing is just an interest and maybe someday will help me get somewhere in life.

Right now I am still struggling to manage life so because of my instability things change with me often. Life is forever changing for me and at times is more stable than it is unstable althought then there are a great many times when it is unstable more than stable but I am a work in progress and am learning to creat the life I desire. No one is going to give me what I want in life and I am sure not going to just get it handed to me since life has not been handed to me so far. I have had to fight for the life I have now and am now beginningf to build the life I want to have. So to the new beginning and all the endings that has happened so far in my life I dedicate this blog.